The reason GI Joe had such a high success rate saving the world is apparently Cobra didn't have the brightest bulbs working for them.
Pretty cool that the Vatican is digitzing its ancient manuscripts and then putting them out on the Internet for people to explore them.
A comprehensive look at where members of bands stand on stage while performing.
If you're a fan of The Last Waltz, and more importantly The Band, you'll enjoy this ranking of every song during that concert.
I don't know...this John Wick movie looks fairly straightforward and uninteresting, but then you read a review like this and you start to wonder...could Hollywood have allowed someone to stretch outside the norm and create something that is awesome?
If you're interested, here's the Bill Murray interview from the Howard Stern show.
Quite possibly the best thing you will get from the internet this week...I don't know the story behind Sammy Davis Jr. adding lyrics to the Hawaii 5-0 theme song, but I'm not complaining. (via @ReelQuinn)
Of course, while great, that's not near the greatest "television theme song with made up lyrics" on the internet...
Showing posts with label Quincy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Quincy. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Monday, September 23, 2013
Cool Shit 9/23
This is a detailed look at the body count John Rambo tallied in the first 3 Rambo movies. Very detailed. Like maybe-this-author-should-be-on-some-sort-of-watchlist detailed. And yet why it excludes Rambo 4 I'll never know. So the creator is an obsessively detailed person that doesn't pay attention to detail I guess.
Stephen King has a a new book coming out, called Dr. Sleep. It's a sequel of sorts to The Shining. Say what you want about Stephen King, but the man can write. Simply because he's a genre writer, he gets short shrift, but he will go down as one of the country's greatest novelists. Or at least should. Here's an interview with the fella.
Grand Theft Auto made over $800 million dollars in sales in one day. It's already over the one billion dollar mark. Controversy sells I guess. And this person bought it and proceeded to "solve" it within 38 hours. Here's his account.
341 diamond robberies? Called the Pink Panther Gang? Ridiculous. The story is incredible. Is this guy on their trail yet?
Fantastic natural landscapes. Places everyone should make a point of trying to visit someday.
No tribute for Jack Klugman on the Emmys last night? Why, he was only 50% of the Odd Couple! 100% of Quincy. I too, like Klugman's son, am outraged! Which is why The Popcorn Trick will provide it's own tribute for Mr. Jack Klugman!
Stephen King has a a new book coming out, called Dr. Sleep. It's a sequel of sorts to The Shining. Say what you want about Stephen King, but the man can write. Simply because he's a genre writer, he gets short shrift, but he will go down as one of the country's greatest novelists. Or at least should. Here's an interview with the fella.
Grand Theft Auto made over $800 million dollars in sales in one day. It's already over the one billion dollar mark. Controversy sells I guess. And this person bought it and proceeded to "solve" it within 38 hours. Here's his account.
341 diamond robberies? Called the Pink Panther Gang? Ridiculous. The story is incredible. Is this guy on their trail yet?
Fantastic natural landscapes. Places everyone should make a point of trying to visit someday.
No tribute for Jack Klugman on the Emmys last night? Why, he was only 50% of the Odd Couple! 100% of Quincy. I too, like Klugman's son, am outraged! Which is why The Popcorn Trick will provide it's own tribute for Mr. Jack Klugman!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Literal James Bond Song
Fantastic regardless if you like James Bond or not:
In fact, it's almost as good as this. Almost.
Yes that's right, as we enter 2012, the Quincy intro with lyrics has indeed won the coveted, "Greatest Youtube Video of the Year." And frankly, it's going to take something ginormous to unseat it (Possibly lyrics to Klugman's other awesome television show, You Again?)
I will say this - it is not the following video of someone else trying to add lyrics to the Quincy theme song. I hesitate to include this and give him more publicity, but since The Popcorn Trick is technically a news blog we have to provide all viewpoints so...
Monday, July 28, 2008
The genius of Quincy, M.E.
It's possible I've written about this before, but I'm way too lazy to go back and look. Besides, it's worth bringing up again. In fact, I might post it every week.
It's no secret that we here at The Popcorn Trick are big fans of Quincy - based pretty much on the opening credits. Sure, its' possible we saw an episode or two, but not nearly enough to know what the show was really about. But in the Internet age, that's immaterial, because we can simply relive certain clips of our youth without having to suffer through the boring parts. Thank you You Tube!
Anyway, while we're big fans, we're obviously not the biggest fans, as this evidence suggests...
I'm not sure where to start. Actually, I'm not going to start. I'm just going to watch this clip another 15 or 16 times. April Winchell, thanks for posting this, and thanks for being a Quincy fan.
It's no secret that we here at The Popcorn Trick are big fans of Quincy - based pretty much on the opening credits. Sure, its' possible we saw an episode or two, but not nearly enough to know what the show was really about. But in the Internet age, that's immaterial, because we can simply relive certain clips of our youth without having to suffer through the boring parts. Thank you You Tube!
Anyway, while we're big fans, we're obviously not the biggest fans, as this evidence suggests...
I'm not sure where to start. Actually, I'm not going to start. I'm just going to watch this clip another 15 or 16 times. April Winchell, thanks for posting this, and thanks for being a Quincy fan.
Friday, April 25, 2008
The Top 25 Opening Credits of 80's televsion action shows
I grew up on 80s action shows. While other kids watched Silver Spoons, I caught up on my Simon & Simon. As a result, I saw a lot of cops, detectives, bounty hunters and others stop a lot of crime. But how did I know what shows to watch? Back then the Internet didn’t exist, and there were pretty much only 3 major television stations.
The only thing people had to go on really were the opening credit sequences.
Nowadays, it seems many television shows have eschewed the opening credits to go right into the story. And I miss those sexy montages of explosions and buffoonery. That’s why I’ve created this list of the top 25 opening credits from 80s action shows.
To create this ranking I’ve come up with a fairly complex equation. Each show is rated on a scale of 1-10 in each of the following categories:
Action
Sexiness
Cheesiness
Homoeroticism
Intangibles
Judging was based on credits alone, with no points awarded or deduced for the quality of the actual show. Had that been the case, Simon & Simon would win hands down.
Without any more words, here are the top 25 action show opening credit sequences:
#25. Miami Vice
Action: 4
Sexiness 4 (not even a head shot of Philip Michael Thomas?)
Cheesiness: 1
Homoeroticism: 0
Intangibles: 1
Total: 10
Aside from the popular song the show introduced, these credits are lame. Trying to be too cool for school back in the 80s does not translate well here in the 20whatever-it-is century. I will give points for the jai lai scene though.
#24. Cagney & Lacey
Action: 2 (That’s generous)
Sexiness: 3 (This one even more so)
Cheesiness: 8
Homoeroticism: 1
Intangibles: 1
Total: 15
Quite possibly the most sexist entry in the list, the opening credits barely have the two women detectives unholster their guns. When they do the action is almost nonexistent. What we do get are a lot of suggestive scenarios, because, ha ha these cops are women! I mean, do we really need the flasher scene? If I were a woman, this would offend me.
#23. CHiPs
Action: 1
Sexiness: 4 (it IS Erick Estrada)
Cheesiness: 4
Homoeroticism: 5 (they do share a nice smile as they ride side by side on their bikes)
Intangibles: 2
Total: 16
Surprisingly low on the list, these credits are boring. I remember the birds-eye view of the motorcycle cops on the California highway, but thought there was more. Nope – just weird cutaways to parts of their uniform. We get it, they’re cops. No disco Estrada?
#22. Rockford Files
Action: 1
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 0 (it’s more sad than anything, especially the shot of Jim Rockford shopping alone in the frozen food section)
Homoeroticism: 0
Intangibles: 11 (The song is fantastic, and the credits perfectly set up what you’re getting: a detective barely making ends meet.)
Total: 17
I remember watching Rockford Files when I would get home from school. I loved James Garner from age 7 on. I’m not sure what that says about me. I do know that it’s a risky move using still photos in the credits here. I also wish that the dialog at the end of the answering machine message was switched to: “and yes, I’ll go out with you,” instead of the lame set up about his finances followed by the date talk. That’s just poor writing. I would write more, but I doubt the two people reading care too much about a throwaway line in the opening of a forgotten detective show.
#21 Remington Steele
Action: 5
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 0
Intangibles: 4
Total: 19
Surprising amount of action for a show you remember your mother liking. Take for example, the weird hanging corpse scene. I have no idea where they were snooping around to bump into dead bodies hanging from the ceiling. Possibly the set of Coma?
#20 Jake and the Fatman
Action: 3
Sexiness: 4
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 6
Intangibles: 2
Total: 20
I didn’t watch this at all, so I’m not sure who Jake is or why he hangs around with a fatman (William Conrad). The credits start out great with gunplay from 80s television staple Joe Penny, but really bogs down with the sudden overuse of city shots mucking up the remaining two thirds.
#19. Buck Rogers
Action: 1
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 9
Homoeroticism: 4
Intangibles: 3
Total: 22
For a show that was set in the future and featured dog fights in space and aliens, the opening credits lack excitement. And what country green lights a solo space mission these days?
#18. Airwolf
Action: 8 (Someone actually dies in the opening credits)
Sexiness: 2 (Helicopter flight suits don’t lend themselves to sexy)
Cheesiness: 2
Homoeroticism: 4
Intangibles: 7 (Ernest Borgnine!)
Total: 23
There’s no missing the helicopter in this show, because it’s about one. I wonder if this is the only opening credits where someone actually dies? I also love the shot of the helicopter reaching Mach 8. Is that even possible for a normal plane?
#17. Vega$
Action: 7
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 3
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 5
Total: 24
Dan Tanna had a sweet candy-apple red convertible and the city of Vegas lends itself quite nicely as a sexy location to host a show. No idea where the clip of the boat marina is from though. Driving around with a lion in the passenger seat was a nice touch.
TIE: #15. Quincy
Action: 4
Sexiness: 4
Cheesiness: 10
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 4
Total: 25
Has the required car crash and explosion shots. And of course, the slow reveal at the end where we find out Quincy wasn’t examining a body all along, but the gams of a beautiful dame is a great touch. But there is something bothering me. When Quincy begins the autopsy in front of the police cadets, and 2 fall immediately when he reveals the corpse, why doesn’t he stop? Is he that callous, or does he not notice? Either one isn’t a great answer.
TIE: #15 Knight Rider
Action: 5
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 6
Intangibles: 2
Total: 25
For such a great show, the credits leave me a little ho hum. And KITT was clearly gay, right? Michael Knight, the jury’s still out.
#14 Blue Thunder
Action: 5
Sexiness: 3
Cheesiness: 8
Homoeroticism: 7
Intangibles: 3
Total: 26
Another helicopter show, but with a little more humor infused with the addition of a pre-SNL Dana Carvey. Guess he’s happy the show didn’t take off (though possibly less so now). I can only assume Butkus and Bubba Smith were used for comic relief as well – it couldn’t’ have been for their acting.
#13 Hardcastle and McCormick
Action: 7
Sexiness: 2
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 8
Intangibles: 3
Total: 27
Hardcastle (or McCormick) drives around in a cool racecar stopping crime, I guess. The other one is a judge I guess. Hardcastle (or McCormick) then come back to the judge and then probably have pillow fights until the next crime is committed. While I wish it was some weird Star Chamber vigilante driven series, I really doubt it.
#12 Tales of the Gold Monkey
Action: 5
Sexiness: 7
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 6 (Almost non-existent until the end when Roddy McDowell shows up with a parrot)
Intangibles: 5
Total: 28
This “nothing-like-Raiders-of-the-Lost-Ark” series definitely looks cool, and seemingly has 2 female leads for the main character to bounce back and forth between. Plus, who doesn’t laugh at a dog wearing an eye patch?
#11 Automan
Action: 3
Sexiness: 4
Cheesiness: 10
Homoeroticism: 8
Intangibles: 4
Total: 29
Not sure where to start. Let’s just say you knew what you were getting into with this show when they introduce an animated “cursor” as himself. Clever. They also manage to shoehorn a helicopter in there. Many of you will question the very idea that this was even on the air, but trust me, it was. I'm pretty that including the producers, I'm one of 4 people that have see every episode.
#10 Simon & Simon
Action: 7
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 2 (if they weren’t brothers on the show, let’s just say this number would have vaulted them into first place)
Intangibles: 8
Total: 30
I loved Simon & Simon as a kid. 9 o’clock, Thursday nights, right after Magnum P.I. The opening credits let you know exactly what you’re going to get: 2 guys – one a little proper, one a little rough – bickering and solving crimes. We all know what happened to Gerald McRaney (Major Dad) but where did Jameson Parker go? Simon & Simon was that good to him that he could live off residuals?
#9 Hart to Hart
Action: 7
Sexiness: 7
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 7
Total: 31
As far as needing a millionaire detective couple to solve your murder, you could do a lot worse than Robert Wagner and Stephanie Powers. For being a show about an attractive couple solving crimes, it does suggest a good amount of action coming the viewers’ way. I’m not sure why it was “murder” when they met. Maybe, their first date was at one of those murder mystery dinners.
#8 Manimal
Action: 5
Sexiness: 2
Cheesiness: 14
Homoeroticism: 2
Intangibles: 9
Total: 32
I would have loved to sit in the pitch meeting for this one. I think it started from the clever title and went from there. This opening hints at a tremendous, nonsensical back-story as to how this guy came to be able to turn into an animal at will, involving an African tribal guy, a full moon, his father’s dying ramblings, and then his disappearing corpse. Huh?
#7 Hunter
Action: 8
Sexiness: 7
Cheesiness: 6
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 9
Total: 33
Guns, car chases and scowls. That pretty much defines Hunter’s opening credits. That and the pretentious act of the female lead choosing to spell her name, “Stepfanie.” Was Fred Dryer the best of the former football stars turned actors of the lot, or am I forgetting someone>
#6 Magnum P.I.
Action: 7
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 9
Intangibles: 7
Total: 34
Everyone is familiar with these opening credits. Hawaii… the Ferrari… helicopter… explosions… Selleck’s stache… it’s all there. Watching it now though, I really have to start wondering if Magnum was gay. I mean, he lived on an estate with Higgins, who was clearly homosexual, had a mechanic that liked to wear nothing under his overalls, and was buddies with Rick, the flamboyant club owner. Hmmm.
#5 The Fall Guy
Action: 10
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 6
Homoeroticism: 5
Intangibles: 8
Total: 35
What better way to portray a stuntman/bounty hunter in the opening credits than to create a montage of action movie stunts? Then, get Lee Majors, (the star) to perform the original song, mix in a smattering of Doug Barr (and I do mean a smattering) and a gratuitous Heather Thomas-in-a-bikini shot, and you’ve got yourself one of the all time openings for an 80s action show.
#4 Matt Houston
Action: 10
Sexiness: 9
Cheesiness: 2
Homoeroticism: 5
Intangibles: 10
Total: 36
If there’s one thing I learned watching this opening: you do not want to piss off Matt Houston. Jesus, this guy is tough. And it doesn’t hurt to start off sporting a turtleneck-with-a-sports-jacket look. The opening credits here are packed with all the action clichés we’ve come to love: helicopter, guns, car chases, tires screeching, boats, shirts off, etc. Then of course we’re treated to Buddy Epsen, so all is right with the world. And Lee Horsley is sporting a mustache to rival Selleck’s! I know this was a Magnum ripoff, but c’mon, why wasn’t this more successful?
#3 The A-Team
Action: 8
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 9
Homoeroticism: 8
Intangibles: 9
Total: 39
Arguably the most popular 80s action show of the lot, this one has everything. It thrives on violence, explosions and guns. Watch the opening again before you start complaining about the high cheesiness score. When Dirk Benedict is the most responsible member of your team, you have problems.
#2 Riptide
Action: 7
Sexiness: 8 (they actually write a break in the action-oriented song to work as an “homage” to California pop, right as bikini-clad models stroll by)
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 8 (Watch the volleyball scene again)
Intangibles: 10
Total: 40
Lots of gun play, lots of boats and lots of Joe Penny. There isn’t too much else you could add to make it better. The last of the shows revolving around a helicopter (indirectly) is also the best. It’s mix of action and humor is so perfect that it should have easily cruised into the #1 spot if it weren’t for…
#1 TJ Hooker
Action: 9
Sexiness: 9
Cheesiness: 8
Homoeroticism: 9
Intangibles: 10
Total: 45
I don’t know how he does it, but Adrian Zmed singlehandedlt makes these opening credits score high in both sexiness and homoeroticism. A young Locklear doesn’t hurt either. And then there’s good ol’ Resue 911 narrator Bill Shatner. I love his roll across the roof, and I love his intense/stoned/crazy look when he draws his gun at the start of this. Is there anything he won’t do to catch his perp? He jumps on the wing of a bi-plane for Christ’s sake! All this, and he’s a beat patrolman. I can only imagine how many “Policeman of the Year” plaques he has in his house.
So what have we learned today, other than to be some type of law enforcement agent in the 80s you needed boats, explosions and black sidekicks? Admittedly, not much. But there will always be a place in my heart for awesome 80s television, and it all starts with the opening credits montage.
Agree? Disagree? Was there something I missed? Let me know what YOU think in the comments section.
The only thing people had to go on really were the opening credit sequences.
Nowadays, it seems many television shows have eschewed the opening credits to go right into the story. And I miss those sexy montages of explosions and buffoonery. That’s why I’ve created this list of the top 25 opening credits from 80s action shows.
To create this ranking I’ve come up with a fairly complex equation. Each show is rated on a scale of 1-10 in each of the following categories:
Action
Sexiness
Cheesiness
Homoeroticism
Intangibles
Judging was based on credits alone, with no points awarded or deduced for the quality of the actual show. Had that been the case, Simon & Simon would win hands down.
Without any more words, here are the top 25 action show opening credit sequences:
#25. Miami Vice
Action: 4
Sexiness 4 (not even a head shot of Philip Michael Thomas?)
Cheesiness: 1
Homoeroticism: 0
Intangibles: 1
Total: 10
Aside from the popular song the show introduced, these credits are lame. Trying to be too cool for school back in the 80s does not translate well here in the 20whatever-it-is century. I will give points for the jai lai scene though.
#24. Cagney & Lacey
Action: 2 (That’s generous)
Sexiness: 3 (This one even more so)
Cheesiness: 8
Homoeroticism: 1
Intangibles: 1
Total: 15
Quite possibly the most sexist entry in the list, the opening credits barely have the two women detectives unholster their guns. When they do the action is almost nonexistent. What we do get are a lot of suggestive scenarios, because, ha ha these cops are women! I mean, do we really need the flasher scene? If I were a woman, this would offend me.
#23. CHiPs
Action: 1
Sexiness: 4 (it IS Erick Estrada)
Cheesiness: 4
Homoeroticism: 5 (they do share a nice smile as they ride side by side on their bikes)
Intangibles: 2
Total: 16
Surprisingly low on the list, these credits are boring. I remember the birds-eye view of the motorcycle cops on the California highway, but thought there was more. Nope – just weird cutaways to parts of their uniform. We get it, they’re cops. No disco Estrada?
#22. Rockford Files
Action: 1
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 0 (it’s more sad than anything, especially the shot of Jim Rockford shopping alone in the frozen food section)
Homoeroticism: 0
Intangibles: 11 (The song is fantastic, and the credits perfectly set up what you’re getting: a detective barely making ends meet.)
Total: 17
I remember watching Rockford Files when I would get home from school. I loved James Garner from age 7 on. I’m not sure what that says about me. I do know that it’s a risky move using still photos in the credits here. I also wish that the dialog at the end of the answering machine message was switched to: “and yes, I’ll go out with you,” instead of the lame set up about his finances followed by the date talk. That’s just poor writing. I would write more, but I doubt the two people reading care too much about a throwaway line in the opening of a forgotten detective show.
#21 Remington Steele
Action: 5
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 0
Intangibles: 4
Total: 19
Surprising amount of action for a show you remember your mother liking. Take for example, the weird hanging corpse scene. I have no idea where they were snooping around to bump into dead bodies hanging from the ceiling. Possibly the set of Coma?
#20 Jake and the Fatman
Action: 3
Sexiness: 4
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 6
Intangibles: 2
Total: 20
I didn’t watch this at all, so I’m not sure who Jake is or why he hangs around with a fatman (William Conrad). The credits start out great with gunplay from 80s television staple Joe Penny, but really bogs down with the sudden overuse of city shots mucking up the remaining two thirds.
#19. Buck Rogers
Action: 1
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 9
Homoeroticism: 4
Intangibles: 3
Total: 22
For a show that was set in the future and featured dog fights in space and aliens, the opening credits lack excitement. And what country green lights a solo space mission these days?
#18. Airwolf
Action: 8 (Someone actually dies in the opening credits)
Sexiness: 2 (Helicopter flight suits don’t lend themselves to sexy)
Cheesiness: 2
Homoeroticism: 4
Intangibles: 7 (Ernest Borgnine!)
Total: 23
There’s no missing the helicopter in this show, because it’s about one. I wonder if this is the only opening credits where someone actually dies? I also love the shot of the helicopter reaching Mach 8. Is that even possible for a normal plane?
#17. Vega$
Action: 7
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 3
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 5
Total: 24
Dan Tanna had a sweet candy-apple red convertible and the city of Vegas lends itself quite nicely as a sexy location to host a show. No idea where the clip of the boat marina is from though. Driving around with a lion in the passenger seat was a nice touch.
TIE: #15. Quincy
Action: 4
Sexiness: 4
Cheesiness: 10
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 4
Total: 25
Has the required car crash and explosion shots. And of course, the slow reveal at the end where we find out Quincy wasn’t examining a body all along, but the gams of a beautiful dame is a great touch. But there is something bothering me. When Quincy begins the autopsy in front of the police cadets, and 2 fall immediately when he reveals the corpse, why doesn’t he stop? Is he that callous, or does he not notice? Either one isn’t a great answer.
TIE: #15 Knight Rider
Action: 5
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 6
Intangibles: 2
Total: 25
For such a great show, the credits leave me a little ho hum. And KITT was clearly gay, right? Michael Knight, the jury’s still out.
#14 Blue Thunder
Action: 5
Sexiness: 3
Cheesiness: 8
Homoeroticism: 7
Intangibles: 3
Total: 26
Another helicopter show, but with a little more humor infused with the addition of a pre-SNL Dana Carvey. Guess he’s happy the show didn’t take off (though possibly less so now). I can only assume Butkus and Bubba Smith were used for comic relief as well – it couldn’t’ have been for their acting.
#13 Hardcastle and McCormick
Action: 7
Sexiness: 2
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 8
Intangibles: 3
Total: 27
Hardcastle (or McCormick) drives around in a cool racecar stopping crime, I guess. The other one is a judge I guess. Hardcastle (or McCormick) then come back to the judge and then probably have pillow fights until the next crime is committed. While I wish it was some weird Star Chamber vigilante driven series, I really doubt it.
#12 Tales of the Gold Monkey
Action: 5
Sexiness: 7
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 6 (Almost non-existent until the end when Roddy McDowell shows up with a parrot)
Intangibles: 5
Total: 28
This “nothing-like-Raiders-of-the-Lost-Ark” series definitely looks cool, and seemingly has 2 female leads for the main character to bounce back and forth between. Plus, who doesn’t laugh at a dog wearing an eye patch?
#11 Automan
Action: 3
Sexiness: 4
Cheesiness: 10
Homoeroticism: 8
Intangibles: 4
Total: 29
Not sure where to start. Let’s just say you knew what you were getting into with this show when they introduce an animated “cursor” as himself. Clever. They also manage to shoehorn a helicopter in there. Many of you will question the very idea that this was even on the air, but trust me, it was. I'm pretty that including the producers, I'm one of 4 people that have see every episode.
#10 Simon & Simon
Action: 7
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 2 (if they weren’t brothers on the show, let’s just say this number would have vaulted them into first place)
Intangibles: 8
Total: 30
I loved Simon & Simon as a kid. 9 o’clock, Thursday nights, right after Magnum P.I. The opening credits let you know exactly what you’re going to get: 2 guys – one a little proper, one a little rough – bickering and solving crimes. We all know what happened to Gerald McRaney (Major Dad) but where did Jameson Parker go? Simon & Simon was that good to him that he could live off residuals?
#9 Hart to Hart
Action: 7
Sexiness: 7
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 7
Total: 31
As far as needing a millionaire detective couple to solve your murder, you could do a lot worse than Robert Wagner and Stephanie Powers. For being a show about an attractive couple solving crimes, it does suggest a good amount of action coming the viewers’ way. I’m not sure why it was “murder” when they met. Maybe, their first date was at one of those murder mystery dinners.
#8 Manimal
Action: 5
Sexiness: 2
Cheesiness: 14
Homoeroticism: 2
Intangibles: 9
Total: 32
I would have loved to sit in the pitch meeting for this one. I think it started from the clever title and went from there. This opening hints at a tremendous, nonsensical back-story as to how this guy came to be able to turn into an animal at will, involving an African tribal guy, a full moon, his father’s dying ramblings, and then his disappearing corpse. Huh?
#7 Hunter
Action: 8
Sexiness: 7
Cheesiness: 6
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 9
Total: 33
Guns, car chases and scowls. That pretty much defines Hunter’s opening credits. That and the pretentious act of the female lead choosing to spell her name, “Stepfanie.” Was Fred Dryer the best of the former football stars turned actors of the lot, or am I forgetting someone>
#6 Magnum P.I.
Action: 7
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 9
Intangibles: 7
Total: 34
Everyone is familiar with these opening credits. Hawaii… the Ferrari… helicopter… explosions… Selleck’s stache… it’s all there. Watching it now though, I really have to start wondering if Magnum was gay. I mean, he lived on an estate with Higgins, who was clearly homosexual, had a mechanic that liked to wear nothing under his overalls, and was buddies with Rick, the flamboyant club owner. Hmmm.
#5 The Fall Guy
Action: 10
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 6
Homoeroticism: 5
Intangibles: 8
Total: 35
What better way to portray a stuntman/bounty hunter in the opening credits than to create a montage of action movie stunts? Then, get Lee Majors, (the star) to perform the original song, mix in a smattering of Doug Barr (and I do mean a smattering) and a gratuitous Heather Thomas-in-a-bikini shot, and you’ve got yourself one of the all time openings for an 80s action show.
#4 Matt Houston
Action: 10
Sexiness: 9
Cheesiness: 2
Homoeroticism: 5
Intangibles: 10
Total: 36
If there’s one thing I learned watching this opening: you do not want to piss off Matt Houston. Jesus, this guy is tough. And it doesn’t hurt to start off sporting a turtleneck-with-a-sports-jacket look. The opening credits here are packed with all the action clichés we’ve come to love: helicopter, guns, car chases, tires screeching, boats, shirts off, etc. Then of course we’re treated to Buddy Epsen, so all is right with the world. And Lee Horsley is sporting a mustache to rival Selleck’s! I know this was a Magnum ripoff, but c’mon, why wasn’t this more successful?
#3 The A-Team
Action: 8
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 9
Homoeroticism: 8
Intangibles: 9
Total: 39
Arguably the most popular 80s action show of the lot, this one has everything. It thrives on violence, explosions and guns. Watch the opening again before you start complaining about the high cheesiness score. When Dirk Benedict is the most responsible member of your team, you have problems.
#2 Riptide
Action: 7
Sexiness: 8 (they actually write a break in the action-oriented song to work as an “homage” to California pop, right as bikini-clad models stroll by)
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 8 (Watch the volleyball scene again)
Intangibles: 10
Total: 40
Lots of gun play, lots of boats and lots of Joe Penny. There isn’t too much else you could add to make it better. The last of the shows revolving around a helicopter (indirectly) is also the best. It’s mix of action and humor is so perfect that it should have easily cruised into the #1 spot if it weren’t for…
#1 TJ Hooker
Action: 9
Sexiness: 9
Cheesiness: 8
Homoeroticism: 9
Intangibles: 10
Total: 45
I don’t know how he does it, but Adrian Zmed singlehandedlt makes these opening credits score high in both sexiness and homoeroticism. A young Locklear doesn’t hurt either. And then there’s good ol’ Resue 911 narrator Bill Shatner. I love his roll across the roof, and I love his intense/stoned/crazy look when he draws his gun at the start of this. Is there anything he won’t do to catch his perp? He jumps on the wing of a bi-plane for Christ’s sake! All this, and he’s a beat patrolman. I can only imagine how many “Policeman of the Year” plaques he has in his house.
So what have we learned today, other than to be some type of law enforcement agent in the 80s you needed boats, explosions and black sidekicks? Admittedly, not much. But there will always be a place in my heart for awesome 80s television, and it all starts with the opening credits montage.
Agree? Disagree? Was there something I missed? Let me know what YOU think in the comments section.
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