Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threaten me! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules.
moeturner Tom is teaching my 75 yr old father to use the internet. Dad is into birds, so Tom says "you may not want to search the tit bird"
Jim_Hamilton Awaken by hammering. I guess someone waited until the last minute to build their Good Friday cross.
JeffHilliard Just got hired to wear my bunny suit tomorrow night at a show and have a midgit pretend he is doing me from behind. happy easter/passover
diplo Ok my job is done!! After party 2 people tazed.. cops wippen people in the head with flashlitez and I played lumidee peace out missouri
kwade15 Going to yet another Easter Egg Hunt. Would be more challenging if it was Easter Bunny Hunt, Most Dangerous Game-style.
JeffHilliard When I'm at home I like to open my windows and yell things like yahtzee or bingo bitch, so my neighbors will think I have friends.
diplo man i wish I took acid in st louis with my homeboy yesterday totally forgot.. anyone got a drop of acid for me for jesus zombie day in LA?
ScottAukerman Mexican food is like a video game where you win diarrhea!
jdickerson 3 of 4 days of church and our kids have finally learned the eternal message of Easter: dinosaurs can hatch from eggs dropped in water
nathanrabin is just a day away from half-price Easter candy. Sweet, sweet half-price Easter candy.
debenham My friend Chris, who teaches @ a prison, tells me there's a weird little D&D subculture among the inmates there. Don't kill Adebisi's druid!
hotdogsladies When there's a Nuremberg-style trial for lite jazz, I'll be there every day, holding a picture of Monk, and throwing shit at Kenny G's cage.
diablocody My new assistant is here, wondering why I have a monocle. She doesn't yet know I'm into Mr. Peanut cosplay.
ChrisSpags I just realized I've got a hole in the groin area of my pants. These pants may not make it through the day without me giving someone a show.
AnthonyDeVito I'm so happy that a new population of 2,000 orangutans has been found in Borneo. Because I've been itching to kill some orangutans.
ScottAukerman If you felt the date rape in Observe & Report was unfunny, AND you have jury duty in Van Nuys Apr 23, may I ask that you PLEASE play hooky?
debenham Chance I've accidentally ingested plastic Easter grass during one of my fucking stupid cheap-candy eating frenzies today: 98%.
GinaEgger Every 2 weeks I have a routine: I buy bags of fruit and vegetables, let them rot in the drawer, and then go buy new ones to replace them.
CourtneyReimer Are newspapers worth saving? Yes. (Said the girl who is scrambling to find something to wrap her dishes in before the movers come tomorrow.)
samantharobot Pepper and I ate jelly beans and watched Nova and laughed and laughed tonight. Also, Pepper is a puppet.
janiehaddad Was only female in an all male subway car on the way home. It felt like Jody Foster in The Accused.
Caissie Didn't realize people ate skunk, but completely obvious my driver just polished off a skunk sandwich before picking me up.
KimberlyKane Angel dust and my dress just comes undone
DougBenson Hey, could someone catch me up on what happened in CRANK 1 and then kick yourself in the balls for knowing that information? (Ladies only!)
ChrisSpags Porn stars tweeting about sex is like me tweeting about an Excel spreadsheet. With slightly more goo.
rbender Perhaps I'm being way too honest in my online dating profiles. The stuff about my uncontrollable pyromania might be scaring women off.
debenham Just discovered, through deduction/laundry, that my 9-year-old has been freeballing it for at least a week. I must now go pray on this.
calindrome The whole Kutcher-CNN race is vomitrocious. *So* not what Twitter is about. #who #cares