The Best Tweets of the week 4/3 - 4/10

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threaten me! As always, here are the rules:

• I skew toward the amusing
• I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
• @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
• I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
• Diplo is immune to any of these rules.

(In fact Diplo, is getting dangerously close to getting his own category. The man is a genius.)


Ok, let's go to the tweets...



Jim_Hamilton Do I fight crime in my sleep? I feel beat up.

cellebelle its 9:20 in the morning and already i have read 3 separate references to vomit. some fridays are just made of awesome.

debenham Both my cats keep showing up with mysterious injuries on their faces--and they're indoor-only cats. Got a real Bobby/Whitney dynamic here.

alexblagg "Vin" Diesel is a sommelier of destruction.

tremorx "Fast And Furious" breaks April opening record. This is why the terrorists hate our freedoms.

DaveHolmes At Nat's Early Bite in Van Nuys, near a man with a massive upper-neck tattoo. I think it's the Chinese symbol for "unemployable."

michaelianblack My daughter is five. Her favorite song? "Hollaback Girl." I've failed.

shareyourdonuts Guy on train farted himself awake, took a few sniffs, and gave me a dirty look. It was YOU, Sleepfarter!

mrdavehill I'm watching a women drive over her husband repeatedly in her Mercedes on cable right now. My cable has just paid for itself.

DougBenson Another way Bruce Willis could've realized he was dead in SIXTH SENSE? If he tried to use a motion detected paper towel dispenser.

kwade15 Evading people you see @ the grocery store and do not want to talk to should be an Olympic sport. I'd easily land a gold.

debenham I used the minivan today to rend a pair of 200-lb shrubs from the Earth's loamy bosom. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME. Also, finished the lasagna.

claritynow I just watched Run Lola Run. Now I'm secretly craving for a insanely frantic and time sensitive emergency to come up tomorrow.

diplo How come evry time I go out 2 eat after 10 in mntrl there a midget and indian guy ina sombrero a pimp and a 100year old lady tryin to fight?

julieklausner the Sex & The City movie should be given the Day The Clown Cried treatment so future generations needn't suffer.

Jim_Hamilton Just be yourself is good advice unless you're an actor or con man. Or a real douche.

steveagee Holy shit, I'm in a library right now. It's like being INSIDE a fucking Kindle!!

EvilChick Opening a partially frozen beer= Beer on the toaster, under the oven and all over the counter. The kitchen smells like we run a speakeasy :(

80miles Morning subway ride observation: It's amazing how much more disgusting diarrhea is when it's not your own. And nowhere near a toilet.

EricBarbaric Sometimes my cat sounds like R2D2 and Chewbacca making love... right now is one of those sometimes

michaelianblack Do you think it'll fuck things up for me if The Rapture happens on Halloween? Just because that's when I usually dress like Satan.

alexblagg I was planning to write something here carefully calculated to make myself seem more interesting & cool, but then Bebe's Kids came on.

mtmodular This is a good time for ice cream. There is rarely a bad time for it. Unless you were in a contest where the 1st person to eat it died.

jseadub Maybe it's the ass-shot of morphine talking, but did you know that an IV of steroids makes your sexy parts tingle on cue?

kwade15 Going 2 Death Cab show tomorrow nite @ Davidson Coll. I also was asked 2 drive/chaperone 3 16yr old girls. Hope its not Dateline NBC trap.

julieklausner Last night, a brisket raped my tum-tum.

Emily_at_Asylum Reading Permanent Midnight while listening to Leonard Cohen is like the media equivalent of tear gas.

RainyDay11 I keep forgetting that if I have to be somewhere at 10, I need to leave before 10. Devil's in the details and all that..

Caissie My fountain Diet Coke from Subway tastes like basement.

CourtneyReimer Our options for interacting here are limited to: "message," "nudge," "block." It's as if we're all nagging, spiteful mother-in-laws.

steveagee drew one of those faces on my thumb and index finger with a sharpie yesterday. it looked disturbing when I masturbated today.

cellebelle Classmates resume has 3 yrs weight training listed as a skill. Yeah, because thats a SUPER important talent for a graphic designer to have.

shareyourdonuts 5 secs post-fart "Whoah! Did you eat a skunk?" "Yeah, you know what? I did. I saw one and thought, 'Hell..couldn't be too hard to catch...'"

diplo I just told this girl she's sweet like a cheez-it

diplo Y is denver soo gully .. Yall live in the wood on a hill! Clean up ur act!!

mrdavehill Just drank some lemon-flavored cod liver oil. You can really taste the lemon. And also the coder liver oil. More codcentric updates soon.