Friday, April 24, 2009

The best Tweets of the week 4/18 - 4/24

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

  • I skew toward the amusing
  • I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
  • @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
  • I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
  • Diplo is immune to any of these rules.
Ok, let's go to the tweets...

mrdavehill For a man with immediate access to a shower and clean clothes, I smell far too much like urine right now.

shareyourdonuts Me: "Jesus, that woman is such a WHINER." Friend: "She's deaf. That's how she talks." Me: "Well then thank God she didn't hear me say that"

thesneeze I love when Sea Salt is highlighted on packaging. Who wants boring clean salt from a cave when you can have one fish took a dump in

ScottAukerman AC/DC: As I get older, I am starting to suspect that your song “Big Balls” isn’t about large social engagements.

Dianneamus Oh @Seth_MacFarlane. You and your baritone voice can climb into my bed anytime. As long as you do me in the stewie voice.

shareyourdonuts Rob: "Guess who shit all over the bedroom carpet?" Me: "Oh God Rob, are you sick?" Rob: "What? No! The DOG!" Me: "Sure...the dog..."

saraschaefer1 The G train: the g string carressing the asscrack of Brooklyn.

Jim_Hamilton Took my time at 7-11 because "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" was playing. Turns out every hot dog has its thorn too. That was not a metaphor.

ScottAukerman DATE NIGHT TIP: A horse-drawn Cinderella carriage is the perfect romantic way to take your date through the Arby’s drive-thru.

diplo I wanna get so rich im gonna swallow diamonds an platinum watches so i can get xrays and then i show the xrays to my homiez

paulscheer Just cleaned out the garage only found 2 dead people.

urbanhipster Judging by that ominous chord, either I'm in a movie where something bad's about to happen or the cat is walking on the piano again.

james_gunn Is it weird to jerk off to that Susan Boyle video? Be honest with me.

hotdogsladies If I saw a strip club with a marquee that said, "Niblet Corn," nothing could stop me from going in. I need to see what's on that stage. Now.

debenham Kids downstairs reenacting an entire "Crushing Your Head" sketch from Kids in the Hall. My job as a parent is done now. Fly, children, fly!

PFTompkins Sorry, "Wheels," you're not part of the FAMILY.

mat It's so hot. Just took off all my clothes & am now working totally naked. Can't believe how shitty the air conditioning is in this Starbucks

Caissie Besuited man screaming on cell in train vestibule. Keywords: $ .5 million, Gingrich, white collar, Interpol. Maybe wait for a landline?

nelsonofnelson Guaranteed no @ reply tweet: Hey, anyone catch Castle last night?

biloon I have 299 followers. If you are keepin track, that's 200 more followers than Jay-Z has problems. And like J, bitches ain't a one.

dragonboysuede just took a hearing test. Pancho and lefty are fine. I call my ears pancho and lefty.

ScottAukerman At gym. I like to get on the treadmill directly behind the hottest girl there. That way it feels like I'm chasing her.

hotdogsladies God goes into a bar. Abraham goes, "Whadya have?" God goes, "Isaac w/a twist." As Abe goes to off his kid, God goes "Psych! THAT's a twist!"

kwade15 Trying to decide what snack to have. Went grocery shopping tonight, meaning there hasn't been this much indecision since Was (Not Was).

Dianneamus PSA: Never. EVER, play chicken with the toilet paper inventory in your home.

betty822 Either it's bring your child to work day or my office is being taken over by 4ft tall terrorists in Hannah Montana gear.

Steve_Buscemi taking a bath = a funny thing. You're really just hanging out by yourself, completely naked, and soaking in your own shit.

NOTE: Either the Steve Buscemi twitter account is fake, or he's certifiably insane. I'm having a hard time figuring it out.

rbender So the "Baby Shaker" iPhone game got taken down. This doesn't bode well for my upcoming "Euthanize Grandpa" game.

Steve_Buscemi has recurring nightmares about being trapped in a warehouse full of bus stop benches with real estate agent headshots.

(see what I mean?)

diplo peoples~! tell ur friends to all follow me! if I get 50k followers im turnin the bizzare level to 11!

(Please please make this happen! God, I know you're probably mad at me for questioning your existence, but if you truly do exist, please don't hold it against me and make Diplo's request happen. If not for me, then the rest of humanity. Thanks.)

diplo If i can get my computer to turn on again imma have sex with everyone in reno

(See God? If that doesn't give you a good reason to make it happen, then you're definitely Old Testament.)

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