It's obvious that during the the the television show Seinfeld's run, the caliber of women Jerry dated increased throughout the seasons. There are 2 possible reasons for this:
- On the show, as in real life, Jerry, as a stand up comic enjoyed a rising level of success. It is possible to suggest that as he became more successful in his stand up act, booking larger venues and late night talk show appearances, this success would translate into attracting (and gaining the confidence to talk with) better looking women.
- As a producer on one of the funniest sitcoms of all time, he could cast whomever he wanted. Vanity trumps realism.
Regardless of the reason, it's at least plausible that Jerry could score with model-level women. The same can't be said for George Costanza. Forget the fact that he didn't define the classical definition of handsome; that's almost irrelevant. What you can hold against him is that as the show went on, he only became shallower, more self-centered and despicable; traits no woman wants to see in a potential suitor.
I'm not here to delve into the psychological reasons of how attractive women could be attracted to such a callous, selfish human being. That would be sexist, and ultimately meaningless. I'd much rather sit here and rank the ladies George dated, and give you his top ten lady friends from the show! On the flip side, we'll take a look...
#10 The Housekeeper (Lanei Chapman)
Episode: The Old Man
"I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body." With that one glorious line, we get a peak into George's disturbing mind. That it came true at the end of this episode only makes her more attractive. While it's doubtful these two stayed together much longer after the rubdown (no way George could handle a amazonian Jamaican model), there's something to be said for fulfilling a fantasy. For that alone, she makes the top 10.
#9 (Nina) Charlotte Lewis
Episode: "The Switch"
She was a model George. A model. And you didn't even need a picture of "Man Hands" to get her. So what if she liked to throw up a little? She was a model!
#8 Nancy (Marla Sucharetza)
Episode: "The Fusilli Jerry"
Had he only been able to memorize "the move," George might still be performing unbelievably in bed with Nancy. Instead, he "cheated" by writing it down on his hand, and though completely satisfied by George's sexual prowess, she was still creeped out enough to throw him out of bed.
#7 Paula (Christa Miller)
Episode: "The Doodle"
George couldn't overlook her quirk of sucking on the pit of a peach he just ate, so tossed Paula off to the side, even when she told him she wouldn't mind if he "draped himself in velvet." George can only blame himself when he ponders why women don't go out with him; he always seems to be finding faults with the ones that put up with him!
#6 (Mary Anne) Rena Sofer
Episode: "The Muffin Tops"
Mary Anne took pity on George, mistaking him for a tourist coming to see the Big Apple. Easy on the eyes, with a big heart, the relationship was doomed once she realized George was a boob regardless of where he was from.
#5 (Vivian) Kellie Waymire
Episode: "The Blood"
Quite possibly the one woman most like George, we never do find out what happens with their relationship, if you can call it that. But since she enjoyed television and cured meats during sex, I'm guessing they went at it pretty hot and heavy for awhile, before she turned it up in the bedroom with something really kinky that turned George off. Sadly, Kellie Waymire passed away in 2003.
#4 (Nina) Justine Miceli
Episode: "The Betrayal"
You could make the case that Nina represented both Jerry and Elaine in teh bedroom for George - the two people he most wanted to sleep with. Jerry, because they were such good friends (too compatible to sleep together, he had said), and Elaine, because Jerry mentioned how if the group ever lost her Nina could fit right in without missing a step. And if you want to get all Freud with the show, George most likely wanted to sleep with both Jerry and Elaine, so dating Nina was the next best thing. It didn't hurt that she was also attractive. And that's way too much thought put into a half-hour television show.
#3 Heather (Kymberly Kalil)
Episode: "The Chicken Roaster"
He stuck in her head, but in the end it simply wouldn't work out. At first, disgusted by his behavior on their one date, Heather quickly made an excuse to get rid of him. But apparently she couldn't get him out of her head and called him back. Unfortunately, George's neuroses and a terrible deli order did him in, and Heather came back to her senses. (Unrelated: I defy anyone to find a picture of Ms. Kalil without William Finchter in the shot.)
#2 Jane (Melora Walters)
Episode: The Hamptons
Don't recognize her? Maybe this pic will help:
Before she caught wind of George's "issue," Jane gave George a true beauty to walk around. First, she casually sunbathed topless; second she agreed to travel to the Hamptons with George. So not only did she have a bit of a wild side, she also was ready to party with a short balding gentlemen. Plus, she apparently knew what she liked when it came to men. Too bad for chilly waters!
#1 (Herself)Marisa Tomei
Episode: "The Cadillac"
Seriously, who else could it be? Susan? Let me count the reasons it wouldn't be her:
- She dabbled in lesbianism after leaving George, but it didn't take.
- She took his dry cleaning money.
- She laughed at "Seven."
- She made him sleep with his mother in doll form.
- And so on...
She did nothing for George, and frequently belittled him. No, Susan was never good for George. Ms. Tomei on the other hand.... But even with her bizarre infatuation with short, fat, bald, funny men, George still ruined it.
So there you have it. Agree? Disagree? Have a solo picture of Ms. Kalil? Let me know in the comments!