To all you Cline followers out there, eager to read his sagelike advice on the NFL, I apologize. His obvious phone-it-in approach to week 7 failed to entertain or enlighten anyone. Not only that, he invoked the spirit of Mark Lemke, a below average second basemen for the Atlanta Braves, and also foisted that horrendous Rob Schneider video on us. (Side note - is that Schneider's house? I feel nauseous.)
I mean seriously - straight picks? No analysis? No witty comments? Shame on you Cline. I thought you liked your fans. To piss on their outstretched arms like that when all they were doing was simply reaching for a little entertainment and gambling advice to get through to their next dumpster found meal, I mean, it's very low class. And no super sexy Kate Beckinsale video is going to smooth things over.
Anyway, because I feel bad, and because I'm generous like Mother Teresa, I welcome all you former Clineiacs to enjoy my picks. Though I'm behind in the current NFL challenge by two games, I feel confident that I will be toasting a Schlitz (the beer that made Milwaukee famous) while enjoying my fill of sushi soon enough. If you'd like to get on that glorious Schlitz-filled, sushi bearing train to awesome town, there's plenty of room. I welcome all. And I promise I won't scrawl my picks down at 12:56 on Sunday afternoon for all three people who accidentally stumbled onto our site looking for Gabe Kaplan porn to see. No - I will put them up in a timely manner, with chocks full of information for you to take under consideration.
It's just the way I am.
And now...On the flipside...the picks!
As always, picks are CAPITALIZED and bold.
OAKLAND @ Baltimore -2.5
This line is begging me to take Baltimore. Begging me. Literally. I just got a call, and the line was like, "hey baby c'mon, take Baltimore, it's such a sexy pick. 2.5 points, that's all you need to give me and then it's gonna all come home for you." Then it sent me this:
It begged me so much, I'm taking Oakland. Mostly because the line is suspiciously low, but also because that video is really creepy.
Arizona @ CAROLINA -1
This line smells too. Carolina is 4-0 at home; Arizona is 1-2 on the road. Why 1 point? I know I heard Boldin wants to make a Bodhi-like resurrection, but I'm not sure if he will. Besides, there's no way he's 100% anyway. I know on Sunday I'm going to be cursing when I see the ticker say "Arizona 21, Carolina 10," but I can't in good faith go against Carolina at home. Fox is too good a coach, and Arizona is too streaky.
Tampa Bay -1 @ DALLAS
Yes the wheels are coming off the Cowboys wagon and it's glorious. JJ goes out and gets a receiver (for whatever reason); it's possible he knew the safety Roy Williams would get hurt and thought the key to his success was to have at least one Roy Williams playing (though that theory doesn't explain Detroit). Romo won't be playing, so that leaves the ageless Brad Johnson to secure the victory. Plus, you have guys like this:
calling out the coach. That can't be good. I mean, I'm gonna go out on a limb and question the mask. Perhaps he doesn't want his identity known lest Wade Phillips sends out goons to rough him up?
I'm still taking the Cowboys. At home, 2 good receivers, a great running game against a Tampa Bay team that I still don't believe in. But that also might be because Gruden announced the Rays' lineup last night in the World Series and I'm bitter (although I did like when he looked off screen, saw Akinori Iwamura's name for the first time (like Gruden is going to practive things like this) and simply said, "leading off, our man Aki.")
WASHINGTON -9 @ Detroit
I wonder if the Ripper (Mark Rypien to you non following football people) called Detroit this week. Or possibly Steve Largent?
BUFFALO -5 @ Miami
I think it's time to start considering Buffalo as legit. Also, could Buffalo have been any more free last week with Jim Kelly cutting spots with the Swami in front of the Jim Kelly statue in Buffalo? This is the sort of analysis you're not getting anywhere else (I'm talking to you Cliniacs).
St. Louis @ NEW ENGLAND -2.5
I realize St. Louis won last week (in a convincing win over Dallas) but I don't see a 2 game win streak in their future. Sorry Mr. Haslett.
San Diego -1.5 @ NEW ORLEANS
So wait a minute - these teams are playing in Wembley in LONDON? When did this happen? Absolutely no press on this one whatsoever. Well, no press other than these two investigative reporters. Check out their over-produced, highly copywright-flaunting show:
If nothing else, I got a good tip on the London wax museum. Anyway, because Madden told me 11,00 times that Tomlinson can't plant anymore due to his nagging toe injury, I'm going with the Aints. Plus, I don't think the Chargers have the firepower if they get into a shootout. Or whatever that would be called across the pond. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get the torch to ride the lift to use the loo.
Atlanta @ PHILLY -6
It was so easy early in the season when Atlanta was decent at home and poor on the road; then they go to Green Bay and all bets are off. Well, all bets should be off - don't bet on Atlanta if you're smart.
If you have to though, take the green birds this week as they're coming off a bye and they're good when they come off a bye.
Kansas City @ JETS -10
Larry Johnson not playing. Tony Gonzalez unhappy. Me possibly taking snaps. Great googly moogly the Chiefs are not in a great place right now.
Cleveland @ JACKSONVILLE -1.5
Even though caught chopping up some of the white wonder powder in his car (with a Foot Locker card no less) Matt Jones has appealed his suspension and will be playing. Will the suspension looming over him mess him up? Will he play better because the game is a distraction to his legal troubles?
It doesn't matter, they're playing the Browns.
Cincinnati @ HOUSTON -5.5
I can't find one thing to write about this game. Rather than leave it go, I give you this:
Giants @ PITTSBURGH PK
Game of the week. Giants are doing a high wire act right now with Burress; that could tumble out anytime. I've gotta think the Steelers just find a way to win at home, with Hines Ward breaking someone's jaw and Pulamalouolau complaining about something.
Seattle @ SAN FRANCISCO -4.5
Don't think 49er fans are pumped about Mike Singletary?
Actually I have no idea if this suggests they're excited at all. I do enjoy the fact that he keeps his voice low lest he wakes his mom up.
INDIANAPOLIS +4 @ Tennessee
Just can't see Tennessee going undefeated, so might as well take the Colts with some points in a national spotlight game. Colts are ready for prime time players. Titans want to be prime time players. It's the clash for the title "Prime-time." No truth to the rumors that Deon Sanders will be at the game.
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