Friday, October 10, 2008

NFL Picks Week #6 (Cline) - I Miss Mariano Duncan

Apparently, Phillies fans are a bit touchy. After my commentary here last week, a couple of them threatened me with bodily harm if I were to be in the same room with them during Game 3 of the Milwaukee series. Mind you, we were all staying in the same hotel.

Even up 2-0, they were, to paraphrase a line from Shawshank, so high-strung, they’d cut a loud fart and jump three feet in the air.

I am here to explain why you, a casual good-looking fan such as yourself, should be rooting for the Dodgers in the NLCS. Not everyone has the same deep-seated enmity I have for the Phillies and their Phans, so you need to be persuaded. Since I can't visit all of our readers and pour a Rusty Roofie down their throat, words on a page will have to suffice.

Reason 1: Rooting for the Dodgers is a more subtle and more informed way to prove you’re not racist than a 100 Obama signs in your lawn.

A win for the Dodgers is a win for racial harmony. Everyone knows that the Dodgers broke the color barrier by signing Jackie Robinson in 1947, and they are to be commended for that.

What is less widely known is that the Phillies took 10 years before they signed their first black player (last NL team and 3rd-last overall).

Hell, someone even wrote a book about how hard it was to integrate the Phillies.

Ooh... Almost forgot. Charlie Manual owns slaves. They are free-range but still that's borderline racist.

Reason 2: Rooting for the Dodgers confirms your heterosexuality and your support of Roe v. Wade.

Most famous Dodger fan: Alyssa Milano

She is a die-hard fan (see pictorial evidence below) who not only started a line of clothing for female baseball fans, but she maintains a semi-coherent blog over on (

And her career dipped at the perfect time to make some lesbian-tinged vampire erotic films (links are NSFW)

Most famous Phillies fan: Chief Justice Samuel Alito

While he cuts a striking figure and those black robes are slimming, I’m going to say he’s (at best) 80% as hot as Alyssa.

Reason 3: As good as Harry Kalas is, Vin Scully wins the battle of announcers.

A small sub-section of the landmark games that Scully has called.

  • Henry Aaron's 715th career home run
  • Dwight Clark's "catch" agains Dallas
  • The legendary 1986 World Series
  • Kirk Gibson’s HR in the 88 World Series
  • Fernando Valenzuela's 1990 no-hitter (“If you have a sombrero, throw it to the sky!”)
Also, Vin Scully feels the same way even most Phillies fans and all non-retarded adults feel about Chris Wheeler. That he should have been partial-birth aborted.

Reason 4: You want to see the Red Sox vs. Dodgers in the World Series

The Manny/Red Sox dynamic will be overhyped but still thoroughly enjoyable. If nothing else, The Sports Guy’s columns should be legendary. A few samples from his picks column this week:

“…if and when Manny hits his first World Series home run at Fenway, he will unveil the slowest home run trot in the history of baseball unless Kirk Douglas or John Wooden happens to go deep in a celebrity softball game within the next five years.…”

Reason 5: You enjoy Unintentional Comedy.

The best the Phillies could do is this CB-centric weak does of 70s funk, recycled with a photo montage of the current team:

The Dodgers? They’re pegging the meter on awkwardness. Does it get better than color-coded satin jackets, Jheri curls, and Orel Hershiser’s humping air?

Well, yes, actually it does. Take some awesome choreography, a pinch of scripted banter between Andy Gibb & Marilyn McCoo and a whole lot of Madam (sans Wayland Flowers). What do you get? Solid Gold.

To be fair, I have to give the Phillies the advantage on a couple of things.

The aforementioned Harry Kalas & the not-mentioned-till-now Phanatic:

Also, you have to criticize the LA fans’ compulsion to arrive late to and leave early from games. But in their defense, if you knew there was a greater than 0% chance that they could have sex with someone famous later that night, you wouldn’t be hanging around the park either.

And finally, I do hate Tommy Lasorda:

But those aren't nearly enough reasons to overcome my anti-Phillies lean. But are they enough reasons for a rational person such as yourself to bleed Dodger blue for the next week or so?

If so, can I watch the games with you? Please?

Now, let’s go BLUE!

Now on to my picks (in CAPS) for Week 6 in the league where they play...


Records through Week 5:

Cline -- 6-7-1 (-$240)
Goose -- 3-10-1 (-$840)

Overall Records:

Cline -- 24-18-1 (.571) +$170
Goose -- 19-23-1 (.452) -$830

My Lock of the Week & Big Dog Cover Specials –- 0-4

BALTIMORE at Indy (-1.5)

I'm finally hopping off the Indy gravy train (what's the opposite of gravy? broth? gazpacho? droool?). I'm not saying they can't turn it around, but I don't see it happening against the Ravens.

Detroit at MINNESOTA (-11)

I wanted to man up and take the Lions and the points. I'm skeptical that the Vikings can put a big win on anyone, even the lions. And yes, I avoided capitalizing their name on purpose.

In an effort to man up, I even watched the following Japanese TV adds starring Charles Bronson:

Playing the harmonica by the fire:

Drinking water from his hat:

Catching a fish with his hands, cooking it, and then do a crazy card trick:

Chopping wood and getting ready to rescue David Morse:

Roughhousing with a youth which isn't homo-erotic. Not even a little bit:

If you made it this far without masturbating, then you're dead inside. Especially dead inside your wang. There's a few more on YouTube, but you get the drift.

Oh yeah, I got too distracted with these to change my pick.

OAKLAND at New Orleans (-7.5)

I like Oakland's ground game to get rolling against a bad NO run defense. They keep it under a touchdown.

Cincinnati at NY JETS (-6.5)

The Bengals have covered on the road against 2 pretty good teams (Dallas & NYG), but I feel like they're due to have a stinker in the Bruce Coslet Bowl.

Chicago (-5.5) at ATLANTA

Do I think Atlanta's as good as their record? No. Do I think Chicago's as good as theirs? See Atlanta. So I'm taking the home team and the points.

CAROLINA (-2) at Tampa Bay

Tampa stinks.

ST. LOUIS at Washington (-13)

Washington's been reading their headlines and thinking about how easy their schedule is. The Rams keep it close.

Miami (-1.5) at HOUSTON

OK, so Miami's better than people think. Like some of my other picks, I'm going against that trend.

Jacksonville at DENVER (-2)

When in doubt, take the team that's used to playing at high altitude.

PHILLY (-3) at San Francisco

C'mon Eagles. If you can't beat the Niners, what's the fricking point? And I know I'm probably killing whatever chance they had to win this game, but I'm also making it my LOCK OF THE WEEK!

GREEN BAY (-7) at Seattle

Seattle stinks.

DALLAS (-3.5) at Arizona

Even on the road, this line looks low. Dangerously low. It reeks of the old Howard Eskin "This line's telling me something", but I think the Cowboys are due to either (a) put a whooping on someone or (b) win a 41-37 shootout. I'm rooting for (b) because I own most of the skill players on these 2 teams.

New England at SAN DIEGO (-3)

The Tricky Dolphins' 2 latest victioms face off in what will undoubtedly be San Diego's 2734th consecutive day of beautiful weather. Still feels weird picking against NE, but I think the Chargers have too much talent to lose to Cassel, et al.

NY Giants (-7.5) at CLEVELAND


Home team coming off a bye, getting over a touchdown, playing in front of a rabid home crowd on Monday night, needing this win to save their season? Sign me up.

Also sign me up for the Monkey Butler, as soon as the boys in the lab make the leap from Monkey Waiter:

Enjoy yourself.


Goose said...

This is the week I make my move!

Cline said...

Seriously. I think based on a quick check I did yesterday that if the Giants cover tonight, we're tied. If not, I'm up 2 games.

Also, regardless of the outcome tonight, can we please have a benches-clearing brawl with actual swings. Oh, and someone climbs the stands and punches Lasorda.

Goose said...

no one is brawling in the playoffs - that means suspensions. But if it has to happen, I'll trade someone to get Manny suspended. What a little girl.

Cline said...

Pussy or not, he is legitimately insane and wildly entertaining:

He quotes Dangerfield in Back to School:,0,7380319,full.column

Dr. Ramirez prescribed 20 ccs of Crown Royal to fix the Dodgers' woes (and apparently the patient is the better for it):,0,7997536.column