Friday, January 2, 2009

Rock of Love Bus: Handicapping the "Ladies"

I'm not what you would call a big reality TV fan.  But what I watch, I love with the single-minded determination of a John Hinckley snorting Ritalin.  For example, they cannot make enough Real World/Road Rules Challenges to satiate me.  Sure, the name doesn't roll off the tongue.  And it really doesn't roll off the tongue of someone who took speech classes as a youth specifically focusing on "R" sounds.  But if they ever stop enabling the real-job-getting-avoidance of C.T., Robin, Johnny Bananas, et al, I may have to kidnap them.  But then I'd have to hypnotize them into thinking that my garage is a 2-star Mexican resort and that raking my leaves counts as an "extreme challenge".  And that's a lot of work.

But I didn't come here to wax rhapsodic about that show.  I came here to swoon over the new season of VH-1's greatest creation ever (and that include The List). 

Rock of Love. On a bus.

I've included a breakdown of the trailer and of each of the women.  I've even added some Vegas-style odds for each.  I have high hopes, if not expectations.  Season 2 wasn't as good because it didn't have nearly the squad of characters that Season 1 had.  There was potential, with Kristy Jo (hottest chick from either season), Mombre, Daisy (aka Janice the Muppet), and the quote of the year (Aubrey's "I host karaoke. I know <pause> people"). Also, it didn't have Lacey's Dad, who still needs his own show.

Maybe getting out of that house will loosen things up.

Previous Popcorn TrickRoL Musings

Last season I broke down the best episode of the season ("Mud Bowl II").  And Goose recapped the Season Finale.

What's in a Name?

But before I can get to that, I have to break down a few flaws What troubles me most is some confusion about the girls' names.  I've counted 4-5 disparities between various pages on VH-1's site.  The RoLB home page links to both, so they're canon.  This is troubling.

Page 1: Thumbnails of all the girls

Page 2: A Blog on VH-1's site about the girls

  1. Is this   "Laurie" or  "Taya"?
  2. Is this "Marciela" or "Marcy"?
  3. Is this "Kareena" or "Gia"?
  4. Is this "Brittany" or "Brittanya"
  5. You may have thought that I was splitting hairs with #4, but this is where it gets really confusing.  is listed as  "Jasmineva" on both pages.  But if you watch the trailer, they refer multiple times to a blonde named "Brittany" who is causing a lot of trouble.  There are no blondes named Brittany, and I'm almost entirely sure that the blonde in the trailer is "Jasmineva".

I'm not so naive as to think that these entrants might want to be known by something other than what is on their birth certificate.  It would be perfectly understandable.  But can't VH-1 get their shit together?!?  Weak.

 

Breaking Down the Trailer

VH-1 kinda snuck up on us with this one.  There hasn't been a lot of commercials for it on VH-1 that I've seen and this didn't get enough pub to land on my radar.  It's on the VH-1 home page, but it's not listed in their "Shows" menu.  Don't they know that they have one of the best shows in the history of shows?

I'm staying spoiler-free for tonight's premiere, even though it seems like they put it online 72 hours before the on-air debut.  I did watch the long-form trailer for this season:

 

 

Thoughts:

  • Nice swerve with the mansion at the beginning.  Except, of course, if you didn't notice the word "Bus" in the title of the show.
  • Bret's light bulb moment - "Then it hit me".  I'm sure the producers had nothing to do with wanting to change things up in the 3rd season after a kinda boring 2nd season.
  • Farrah may or may not win (see her odds below), but coining the term "Blondtourage" has earned her a permanent place in my heart.
  • "As the season progresses, you know I'm going to get a lot closer to these girls." Well, that's too hard to read between the lines. Is there a 3rd bus that he takes those lucky enough to receive his thrustings?
  • It took 3 seasons for someone's implant to pop?  The over/under was 1.5 and I put a bundle on the under. I have the worst luck
  • The way this clip is edited, it seems like the chick who wants Bret to "feel her music" also has done some "adult" movies.  Interesting, because Taya is a Penthouse Pet and was on Howard Stern recently. Are there 2 porn performers this season, or is this bait and switch. 
  • Speaking of things that smell bad, apparently the state of Alabama smells like vagina (or vice versa).  I never knew that.  While "Alabama" is nice to experience occasionally, I'm not sure I could get used to smelling "Alabama" all the time.  Especially given the radical shifts in weather that "Alabama" can endure.
  • Cage dancers look down on pole dancers.  Given their relatively higher elevations, that's understandable..
  • Mud Bowl III !!!!!
  • "I'm like broken-hearted. I feel like maybe he doesn't like me." -- Words uttered by a crying blonde in a bridal veil on a bus in a reality show where the ultimate prize is Bret Michael's heart.  My Patheticometer is red-lined.
  • Big John yelling at the girls that "I specially asked you guys not to be slutty".  This might be the most unintentionally funny thing ever yelled.  Did BJ not see the episode last year where they entertained old people (old army people) with a show that was a c-hair away from showing full intercourse?
  • It took me a few viewings to realize that they are emphasizing Bret's use of the overused phrase "throw me under the bus" on a show that takes place almost entirely on buses. That's ballsy.
  • There's a lot going on in this clip.
    • Fighting Brawling
    • Choking
    • Spitting
    • Pratfalls (did the brunette break her vagina falling off the stage?)
    • Hospital trips
    • Speed bump humping
    • Vegas
    • Obvious cock joke
    • Most interestingly, someone whose departure everyone cheers.  Could we have a villain as good as Lacey?  Fingers are crossed.

The Odds

I'm going to try and extend my mastery of setting age over/unders for Comcast On Demand Video Dating to real Vegas-style oddsmaking.  I have not read any bios, and the extent of my research is looking at these picks and watching the trailer.

These are, except when noted, odds to become Bret's Rock of Love.  In other words, these are the odds to do what Berenger promised in Major League. 

"Win the whole damn thing!"

 

         *

Ashley

If you see her other photos, she has no tats on her right arm.  Does she enter different rooms (e.g. church vs. backroom biker gang bang) leading with different arms?

Odds: 20:1

Beverly

Maybe if this was  "Rock of Love: Closing Time at TGI Fridays".  I'm not saying Bret hasn't had girls worse than this, but she's got no shot.

Odds: 5000:1

Brittany/Brittanya

Another one with a huge disparity of arm tattoo volumes.  She's a hotter, more exotic version of the Ukrainian Love Bus from last season.

Odds: 8:1 

Constandina

That only things scarier to Bret than that bindi are paternity tests.

Odds: 100:1 

Farrah

Generic tanned busty blonde. Has a bit of Heather from Season 1, but not as many miles.  Also, did I mention she coined the term "Blondtourage"?

Odds: 5:1

Heather

Interesting choice for facial expression during the photo shoot.  I see that expression a lot on women I meet when I ask if they've ever seen Havoc.

Odds: 30:1

Jasmineva/Brittany?

Incredibly large breasts.  I wonder if Bret will notice.  She also seems insane from the Trailer so I think she lasts for a while.

Odds: 20:1

Kareena/Gia

Right out of the Daisy mold, minus the weird eyes and beach ball lips.  Skanky? Yup  Hot? Indubitably.  Any kind of personality (i.e. willingness to make out with Bret) and she could last a while.
 
Odds: 15:1

Kelsey

By far, the cutest girl on this list.  She may look clean-cut, but I'm guessing she's "earned" her way backstage a couple of times. That's a lethal combination, at least with me.

Odds: 15:1

Laurie/Taya

Not just a Penthouse Pet, she's the Pet of the Year.  You would think she'd be a shoo-in.  But I'm guessing she violates the 2 Laws of Reality TV Dating Shows: (1) Thou Shalt Not Use the Show to Advance Your Career and (2) Thou Shalt Not Have Been On Another Reality Show Or In Porn, Softcore or Otherwise.

Odds: 150:1

Marcia

She could be formidable, even though Bret has not fallen hard for a brunette.

Odds: 25:1

Marciela/Marcy

She adds a little Latin spice to the bus, but is a little think in the middle.  Should be good for a few screaming matches, but not much else.  Also looks like Tina from RW/RR Challenges.

Odds: 50:1

Maria

2 mamacitas and no Asians or amputees?  C'mon casting director.

Odds: 30:1

Megan

Has a little girl next door thing going, but not much else.  Unless she's a total whore, she's going home early.

Odds: 50:1

Melissa

Right up Bret's alley and nowhere near mine.

Odds: 12:1

Mindy

If the trailer is to be believed, she spends some alone time with Bret and she talks about her emotional quandary of loving someone who never takes off a bandana.  She also looks like porn star Stephanie Cane (NSFW).

Odds: 12:1

Natasha

Very attractive urban beauty. She shows some fire in the trailer too. 

Odds: 125:1

Odds That She's Voted Out In The First Episode: 10,000:1

Nikki

Did they clone Frenchy and softern her edges a bit?  I love that in her "other" photos, she's down to a bra, daisy dukes and clear stripper heels.  Everyone else has the same clothes in all their pictures.  VH-1 may run out of pixels to obscure her assets.

Odds: 2000:1

Samantha

This picture speaks for itself.  Except I can't stop there.  It's like a sexier (if that's possible) Molly Shannon with fake boobs and leopard skin pants.  The phrase "cougar" will be thrown around with reckless abandon.

Odds: 150:1

Stephanie

She'd be #2 on my list after Kelsey.  I like her.

Odds: 10:1

8 comments:

Goose said...

I'll take Samantha at 150:1 - She's got a Amber vibe.

gdr said...

Uhhh, you mean Ambre?

Cline said...

I think he meant Mombre.

Goose said...

I meant the 45 year old, duh.

casey said...

"I specially asked you guys not to be slutty" one of the best quotes ever.

Goose said...

Did DJ really say she got fake boobs so she wouldn't climb on stuff and do grafitti?

gdr said...

Handicapping the remaining 12...
12 - Farrah - won a date with Bret but didn't do much of anything with him. That's gonna cost her.
11 - Natasha - VH1 must have told him he can't get rid of her like the others like her (first episode both times). She's a troublemaker and talks like a man. Gone.
10 - Megan - not doing much of anything, but good looking enough to stick around a little while longer.
9 - Ashley - looks like Homer shot her with his makeup gun, not doing anything at all, the tattoos keep her around for a couple more episodes
8 - Brittaney - pale white, old, crybaby, too much glitter, washed up adult film star, stuck her large behind in Bret's face whilst wearing a bikini. What more evidence do you need to boot her off? She should be gone by now but isn't. She'll stick around for a bit but has no shot at the title.
7 - Beverly - Bret loves her down-to-earth style as well as the motocross wedding gift, but let's be real, she's not in it to win it
6 - Marcia - cute Brazilian, loves to party. Bret will look past the party time and dump her halfway through.
5 - Maria - Darkhorse Alert - she hasn't done anything to this stage, but neither did Ambre at the beginning of last year, and she made a heckuva run. Get her while you can at 30-1.
4 - Kelsey - cute, quiet, noncontroversial. This will keep her around, but I see her suffering the same fate as Jessica (?) last year. Cute and young and just not cut out for 'life on the road'.
3 - Brittanya - not my type, but Bret seems to dig her. The dimple piercings are a bit odd. She'll stick around due to her curvy, tattooedness, but fall just short.
2 - Melissa - begged to go home but I see her sticking around. Her implant pops next episode so she can't go home just yet. I see her being in for the long haul.
1 - Taya - Former Pet of the Year, so she knows where it's at. She seems to be a bit mild considering her past, but I think she'll take the crown.

Goose said...

You know, this would have been much better as a blog post - just email me and I'll put it up next time.