Friday, August 21, 2009

The Best Tweets of the week 8/14 - 8/21

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

  • I skew toward the amusing
  • I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
  • @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
  • I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
  • Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...

chucknoritz Use the KISS method she says. Next thing I know I'm sitting with HR. Fucking acronyms. I don't know them all god dammit!

DoucheLarue going to create vick on my version of madden 10'. also i'm putting his dog fighting at a 99 rating to make it more realistic

paulscheer Parents really freak out when you take off your shirt and jump in the children's fountain at the park with their kids.

JonSunderland wait..if I'm anti bush and anti cheney, but now cheney is anti bush, does that make me pro bush? I need a venn diagram...

blaine23 God, I pray these earbuds are quiet enough to make me look like I'm rocking to something more badass than Kelly Clarkson. On repeat.

tj The Wife has been gone for so long, I just got a little excited opening a pita.

artichoked Finally got my "very long wait" copy of Fame from Netflix. Totally worth it since the movie promises the secret to eternal life.

hotdogsladies 4:21pm. Sipping Trader Joe's Jasmine tea and listening to "Deacon Blues," I modified an `.htaccess' file and became the world's whitest man.

mactonnies "District 9" is the best movie about South African space-bugs I've ever seen.

diplo I jus lef the party that's like the party that u hear about on channel 7 news all teens near naked on drugs and two frogs playing loud noise

Jim_Hamilton If your job isn't to make people laugh, you shouldn't look like Zach Galifianakis.

artichoked "I bought you a special present. A life insurance policy." Bad news if you're in a Lifetime movie.

blaine23 Being home with my wife and kid always makes me ponder life's big questions. Like, what is my other secret family in Tampa doing right now?

CNReilly What's more manly - a gun or a holster? I choose a HOLSTER as I use it for my barbecue condiments and accessories. SMASHINGLY BRILLIANT!!

JephKelley Driving behind a logging truck is scary. I'm always afraid they'll transform into a huge evil robot and hurl logs at me. Then laugh at me.

daveholmes Listening to NPR = being in a gay bar: I recognize that these r my people, but I kind of get why people beat us up sometimes

xrayedman Wife is afraid that feds can track her on GPS and cell phone. I told her that unless CIA wants a good pot roast recipe she is should be safe

slag_mag I know that California is in a real budget crisis, but I didn't expect to be able to buy convicts and hunt them for sport at the County Fair

CranberryPerson At the drive-thru distributor, my son asks "why do you need beer?" It's been six years, and he doesn't know me at all.

kolchak Can it make me pancakes? No? Then your smart car is looking like a dumbass, isn't it?

kolchak My horoscope said you're a cunt. In a roundabout way.

keithwade Watching this pitcher almost cry while sucking in the Little League World Series makes me sad...that I'm not the one hitting HRs off him.

DaveHolmes Tonight's unstoppable force/immovable object: my desire to go out vs. my reluctance to put on pants. Let's have a good clean fight, things.

davio1962 My minivan and fist full of $20 bills bring all the undocumented workers to the yard.

blaine23 "Who were the colorful happy black guys who had that song?" This is how my wife asks me who Arrested Development are.

debihope If I was District Attorney, I imagine I'd be jumping up in the courtroom yelling "Liar liar pants on fire" more than they do on Law & Order.

Rayke I thought "hair of the dog" was supposed to cure hangovers, but now I'm vomiting up fur and my dog looks retarded.

morgan_murphy If you're weird enough, every store is a sex toy store.

kolchak Geez. The hookers that hang out in Walgreens are really belligerent. Specifically the ones with the Walgreens nametags.

michaelianblack Celebrating my wife's birthday with red velvet cake. Feeling bad about the fact that I'm eating it with my mistress.

therealcherilyn a normal DRY tennis ball weighs 3 oz. add dog slobber to it and it weighs fucking gross & slimy pounds.

TheMaskedBandit I wanna clear the air once and for all: I would kill a human man for a klondike bar.

hotdogsladies Repeatedly adjusting the way one carries a marlin-sized bag of soiled diapers looks less dignified than it did in one's head.

JephKelley Walking on the beach, I found sea glass in the exact size and shape of a bottle of J├Ągermeister. The contents tasted similar, too.

artichoked As far as 'cations' go, I'd also like to spend a couple of days wallowing in my own filth & agoraphobia on a Greycation.

davio1962 Finally gave in to my son re: cell phone. How long before he realizes that the “calls” he makes are only to the TV to change channels?

CranberryPerson I am so tall that I run like a gazelle. A big fat awkward gazelle with a limp and horrible wheezing problem.

Caissie My legs is covered in bruises after being humped by a 120 lb. Bulldog. But, he could have chosen any lady in the room & he chose ME!

sherriva Wouldn't it be great if we could pick our own illness? I'll be having the laying in bed sleeping for 2 weeks while losing 30lbs illness.

BlueLanugo I'll admit it: That "cuz I am YOUR LAYYYYYYDAAAYY!" song is pretty catchy! Never has picking up cat food at Rite Aid felt so majestic.

diplo - Jesus ... My life is like a fuckin cartoon.. I jus got arrested in new jersey

FartSandwich At Red Lobster, every microwaved and fried meal is served with a side of regret. Delicious, delicious, regret.

kolchak I can have rough sex and not spill the wine glass I keep on the corner of the bed. Thanks, tempurpedic!

RexHuppke I think asking zoo volunteers how the different animals taste is hilarious. They do too, but they stifle their laughter with eye rolling.

Caissie Some of the wasabi crackers in my bag were WAY hotter than others. I played wasabi cracker roulette and my mucous membranes lost.

blaine23 Day 3 of the diet is going great! Except I complimented a co-worker on his delicious meaty aroma and licked his elbow. That wasn't so great.

Dianneamus Pro tip: Never under estimate the amount of possible opportunities where you look like a douche.

scharpling Watching LOCKDOWN and praying I never end up in prison - I would take over too fast and the power would go to my head. Oh, and FOT CHAT NOW!

linajk Saw "the house" today. The one we both could love forever. Looking for "the bank" tomorrow. The one we both could rob together.

steveagee Had lunch with the lovely Jon Hamm today at the Mad Men set. I had steak, he just took handsome pills.

CranberryPerson There are few questions a wife can ask a husband that are easier to answer than "Is it ok if I go to the American Idol Concert without you?"

PFTompkins Used some miles to upgrade to business class. And someone here is in the business of wearing an aquariumfull of old lady perfume.

morgan_murphy My right arm is my good arm. My left arm hates Jews and buys art at Z Gallery.

kolchak "Well, he did use Twitter a lot" is a phrase you're going to be hearing on all the murderer documentaries of the future.

CranberryPerson I've done my daily pushups and crunches every day this week except for the ones not named Tuesday, and I didn't do the pushups. Still sore.

CourtneyReimer Best cure for insomnia: other people's stories about the dream they had last night.

keithwade Jonas Brothers are in town tonight. I better take my sunglasses & hat with me when I go outside. Do NOT want to get mistaken for them again.

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