Sweet Fancy Moses, the NFL has returned like the swallows to Capistrano, like stink to a monkey, and like an O’Neill brother to a buffet line containing mussels.
And with the NFL season beginning, so does an even bigger battle. The battle between myself & Goose to see who can be less mediocre at picking winners against the spread.
As you no doubt saw in Goose’s announcement, we’re doing things a little different this year. We’re using an ESPN Pigskin Pick ‘Em group to manage not only the head-to-head struggle between Goose & myself, but amongst other Popcorn Trick readers. It’s free to enter, and if you hurry, you can still get in.
After the jump, you’ll see my picks and also the results of a little YouTube experiment. To hold you over, here’s NBC Sunday Night Football lead color man in his younger, swinging days. I feel 15% less creepy in comparison. Enjoy.
Things were close for a while, but I pulled away down the stretch to the point where I put less than the minimal amount effort I had been expending previously.
The final #s speak for themselves:
Cline: 126-94-5 (.573), +$950
Goose: 113-107-5 (.514), -$1650
I’m as close to getting that theoretical $950 as I am to actually collecting on the bet we made (case of High Life & a sushi buffet dinner).
This year’s stakes have yet to be determined, but since (a) there’s no chance I’m going to lose and (b) there’s no chance Goose will ever pay off, he can name the stakes.
Week 1, In the League Where They Play… FOR PAY!
In honor of the 16 games on tap starting tomorrow, I’m going to try a little experiment. Starting with a random, relatively benign YouTube video on the front page, I’m going to see how weird, esoteric, and hopefully raunchy I can get merely by using the Related Videos links to traverse an ever-widening radius of ridiculousness.
1. Double Pool Flip (or “Bad Parenting 101”)
I was intrigued by the image for this vid, but it turned out to be a fat guy married to a too-hot-for-him brunette taking his kids to some kind of Gymboree or something. He calls his children Son Tard & Princess Tard, stares creepily at the camera, and bitches about traffic going to a Craig Ferguson taping. And he calls him funnier than Kimmel. Asshole.
I was hoping for a lot of people jumping into a pool. I was disappointed.
2. Food Battle 2009 (or “Enthusiasm <> Comedy”)
I was trapped in the world of parents filming themselves talking about kids. AARGH. And most of the Related Videos were by the same guy as the last one.
So my choices were limited. This is basically two high-energy fans of the Ashton Kutcher School of Yellacting doing stupid things with food.
I did like when the guy straightened his tie t-shirt at 2:20 and the chick at 4:28 was pretty hot.
3. Beatbox Dub FX (or, Beggars Can’t Be Choosers)
If I thought my options were limited after the bad fat dad video, they were almost non-existent after the last one. 59 of the 60 related videos were by the same Smosh crew.
Like finding the one sorta-okay stripper at a terrible strip club, I clung to this one for dear life.
Never heard of these guys, but it’s a nice combo of sax and dub. The beatbox is a little weak, though. Maybe I can give some lessons.
4. No Pants Subway Ride 2009 (or, “Hitting the Subway Lottery”)
Life is routine. It’s easy to become zombies, just going through the motions and becoming part of a pattern..
The good people at Improv Everywhere has made it their life’s mission to disrupt those patterns by creatively organizing large groups of volunteers to fuck with people’s heads.
In January of this year, they had people take off their pants on the NY Subway. Even the jaded hipsters of Gotham did a double-take.
5. Best Game Ever (or, “Who the Fuck is Charlie Todd?”)
Originally I wasn’t going to use the same YouTube account for 2 videos in a row, but I love this one.
Improv Everywhere picked a random Little League game and roll up with a crowd, announcers, a portable JumboTron, and even a fricking BLIMP.
I’m assuming Charlie Todd is an aspiring announcer who needs the pub. But how much free time does Jim Gray have on his hands?
6. Mario: Game Over (or, “Bill Hader, as Luigi”)
This is certainly an edgier Mario than the Captain Lou version I was raised on. Good use of the phrase “mook”.
7. The Snail (or, “Funniest Thing a Frenchman Has Ever Done”)
I did not have high hopes for this one. I won’t ruin the punch line, but this seems like the funniest traffic jam ever.
8. Shark Attack in Australia (or, “I Hope They Contacted the Australian Prime Minster”)
Sorry to bring the room down, but there’s still hope that the man taken by the sharks is still alive and living as only the second human King of the Sharks.
9. Shark Attack Art (or, “I May Not Know Much About Art, But I Know What is Batshit Crazy”)
These idiots, sorry “artists” apply a “mixture of sardines and blood and salt water” to a children’s drawing of a shark and then take pictures of the shark attacking the “art”.
10. Why Lindsay Lohan Loves Fashion Week (or, “Of Course This is Related to a Shark Art Video”)
Finally, Cosmo tracks down Miss Lohan to answer the burning question of what she likes, rather loves, about Fashion Week. Apparently it’s because it’s so high-energy and something about adrenaline. I think a reporter would get the same answer during Cocaine Week.
Also I love that Frédéric Fekkai has so many accents on his first name.
11. Que Pasa Cosmopolitan Cocktail Making (or, “I Need a Drink After That Last Video, Make It a Girl Drink”)
No words, just a moderately attractive female bartender making a drink. Ah… That is refreshing.
12. Cocktail Movie by Tom Cruise (or, “That Wasn’t a Predictable Segue, At All”)
I would have hated being a bartender after this movie came out. Everyone would expect a choreographed routine all the time. That had to create an incredible backlog of orders.
13. Cocktail Recut (or, “Hang in There For the Punchline”)
Not normally a fan of recut trailers, but this one goes for the absurd and hits it.
14. Recut UHF Movie Trailer (or, “Any Excuse to Link to UHF”)
ALL of the Related Videos were for recut trailers. So of course, I went with UHF. The recut doesn’t really add much, but IT’S UHF!
A seriously underrated movie. Some of Drescher & Jackson’s best work.
15. UHF Movie Review (or, “Thank You, Mustachioed Guy”)
Thank you for getting me out of the Recut Trailer ghetto.
The payment was listening to this guy mumble and cough semi-coherently for 2 minutes about UHF.
16. Weird Al – Jerry Springer
Barenaked Ladies + Springer + Weird Al = Genius.
OK, maybe not. He’s done better work.
Wow, what a long strange journey. I’m exhausted.
My NFL Picks
Tennessee at PITTSBURGH (-6)
Miami at ATLANTA (-4.5)
DENVER (+3.5) at Cincinnati
MINNESOTA (-3.5) at Cleveland
Jacksonville at INDY (-6.5)
Detroit at NEW ORLEANS (-11.5)
DALLAS (-3.5) at Tampa Bay
Philly at CAROLINA (-0.5)
Kansas City at BALTIMORE (-8.5)
NY Jets at HOUSTON (-4.5)
Washington at NEW YORK GIANTS (-6.5)
SAN FRANCISCO (+6.5) at Arizona
St. Louis at SEATTLE (-7.5)
Chicago at GREEN BAY (-3.5)
Buffalo at NEW ENGLAND (-10.5)
SAN DIEGO (-6.5) at Oakland