Friday, September 25, 2009

The Best Tweets of the Week 9/18 - 9/25

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

  • I skew toward the amusing
  • I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
  • @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
  • I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
  • Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...

CaissieMartha just gave her audience KitchenAid grinder attachments saying, "Hope you all have KitchenAids." I don't think she really gives a shit.

BlueLanugoMy girlfriend doesn't try to push her vegan lifestyle on me. Tonight, she's making lasagna. It's going to be half vegetables, half MURDER!

WadetoBlackI'd have an easier time finding a dead unicorn who was a victim of a rainbow dust drug deal gone bad than finding Wi-Fi in Baltimore. FUCK.

diploI lov the thai alphabet its like dancing little clowns at a party on drugs

NotGiamattiWeather today is perfect. I'm going to open the windows and watch TV. ALL DAY!

calindromeLeveraged buyout! Hostile takeover! Cashflo- Wait, what? Are you sure? Oh. I thought it was Talk Like a Corporate Pirate Day.

RexHuppkeThis scotch would taste a lot better if it didn't have my son's T-ball practice around it.

adamisacsonBroke a shoestring. I hadn't budgeted to buy a new one. I'm on a-- I'm sorry, I don't recall the expression.

DoucheLarueyahoo headline: can robots make ethical decisions? uh, hello? ever seen a film called robocop?

mrdavehillThere's something about sitting here in the Port Authority men's room with nothing but my knife and my gin that makes the world seem crazy.

adamisacson"Two caramel macchiatti," I said to the barista, using the correct Italian plural, as something inside me quietly died.

apodixisDrunken realization: twister is just really slow dance dance revolution.

Jim_HamiltonI bet most of IMDB's traffic comes from cell phones in the ladies rooms of West Hollywood.

yokoonoClimb up a ladder to reach the sky. Try ladders of different heights. See if the sky looks any closer from a higher ladder.

sportsguy33No Welker for Pats today. I don't think I could be more afraid of this game if it was standing in my doorway holding an ax.

shareyourdonutsMe: Can I buy your leftover chicken to feed that poor, starving dog? Viet Man: That's MY dog. Me: Ah... so, can I pay YOU to feed him?

Girl11ElevenBeing that it's Sunday, it was very apropos that I found God with this plate of nachos.

Jim_HamiltonPackers lose, but my fantasy team is going to win. That's like saying I didn't score but I masturbated to her memory. That happened, too.

therealcherilynlast 2 hours i have been trying to empty the dishwasher using the jedi-mind trick. all i've accomplished is making the dishwasher nervous.

Jim_HamiltonMost people wouldn't drink a 40 at work. Most people aren't working on Sunday so fuck you.

navanaxWhen I was a kid I wanted to be the first person to ride a war giraffe into battle. Kinda still do.

jwiltshireThis saxaphone player looks familiar, in that he looks like every saxaphone player ever.

CcSteff"Just buy your vacuum-packed turd so we can get back on the road." Jim pores over the beef jerky display like it's the Ruth's Chris menu.

AnthonyDeVitoJon Cryer is like Tony Randall without the Tony Randall.

Girl11ElevenCleaning out closets tonight and not sure how or why, but I own 3 sombreros. So next time you stop by, bring tequila.

unsupervisedI didn't know there were rules against starting a public pants-off dance-off. Laws, even.

FartSandwichToday marks the fourth time this month I've come to work with my fly open. There are other ways to get a raise, but they aren't as good.

debenhamWe know birds are just tiny, feathered dinosaurs. So why aren't we exterminating them? They're just biding time, waiting to kill us all.

supmisterTried to explain Twitter to Pops. Told him a lot of people have it, it's easy to get. Pros: He doesn't care. Cons: He thinks I have an STD.

xrayedmanMan Sought in 'Horrific' Murder of Wife, 5 Kids--Yeah if I decide to kill wife and 5 kids it will be a *civilized* non-horrific event.

westoflondonWhen I get home from work i'm gonna rip off the wife's underwear. The bra is far too tight and the thong is cutting me in half.

seancorcoranAnd the #1 place not to take your maniacally screaming child: Outside the house.

amynicole21I need a seeing-eye dog. But one that will lead me around when I'm really tired or drunk or acting irretrievably stupid.

GooseHonkI feel like crying & I feel like punching someone. So I'll combine them & serve someone punch made from my tears. Then I'll also punch them.

biloonA guy just got on my flight wearing an h1n1 mask. Scratch that. EVERYBODY! A NINJA JUST GOT ON MY AEROPLANE! #betterstory

kolchakDavid Hasselhoff is disappointed to have fallen off the wagon this week, particularly after learning the wagon was going to Carl's Junior.

garbagetime2Pac got his start dancing in Digital Underground. I start my day dancing in an underground parking lot & humping a convertible's upholstery

muchtyFuck you Oprah. How can I love myself when two Dos Equis and a snippy waitress is all it takes for me to call myself The Nachosen One?

muchty45 minutes delay, but the plane's finally ready for takeoff. Aaaand there's the smirk that tells you which stewardess banged the pilot.

navanaxI found the cat's stash behind the couch. 3 mauled mice and 1/2 a bird. I'm both proud and offended that he's been keeping secrets from me.

Aimee_B_LovedI'm just a girl from Kansas with a dream in her heart. And that dream is to join the Harlem Globetrotters.

AngelaDoveTurning in early tonight. My rock is totally fraggled.

michaelianblackDrove through Trenton tonight, which was as close to being Mad Max as I ever want to be.

artichokedNow that we know the origins of Michael Myers & Jason, it was time for CSI to unveil the secret history of Caruso's sunglasses. #yeeeeeah

mhgloverAccidentally closed drawer on cat's paw. The cat is pissed, the wife is distraught, and the dogs think I'm hilarious.

kolchakIn ancient Rome there was more incentive to get up in the morning. Doughnuts AND seeing peers torn apart by lions. Win.

hotdogsladiesOnly three more American Apparel orders and I get a free creepy mustache. Nice.

westoflondonPro tip: Asking "Does a bear shit in the woods?" does not end an argument. Answering "Polar" does.

adamisacsonI like when they play reggae at Whole Foods. Feels like I'm on the streets of Trenchtown circa 1973. Only with a better frisée selection.

Aimee_B_LovedThe upside of being so pale is that no self-respecting homicidal tranny would be caught dead wearing my skinsuit after Labor Day.

DolaniteKnow that bear that chases you at work? Your progress vs deadlines is how close it is to eating you each week. Well Im camping on my period.

FlamenkersWhat my fortune cookie should have said: Beware of eating at Chinese restaurants that constantly have health violations before work

misocrazyWife: "why does our son stick his hands down his pants while watching tv?" Me with hands down pants watching tv: "because he's awesome"

hotdogsladiesWe need to buy smaller glasses or weaker bourbon. Right, Hallucination-of-Abe-Lincoln-Eating-Corn? WHAT?! You think you're *BETTER* than me?

sherrivaThe only thing creepier than watching Tom Delay dance is if he showed up in a van and offered me candy.

diploon ROUTE TO space shower TV and then ttlab tokyo to play a lil bit of RAGGA!!! come thru and eat fugu milkshake with your BWOI! jPOPPIN off

CaissieSaw the old lady from "Wings" on the subway. She wore giant shades but I still recognized her, so I screamed & tore sleeve off her blouse.

hotdogsladiesMust be hard for Leonard Cohen to get through a McDonalds' drive-thru without getting laid. Man's voice is like a maple-flavored roofie.

tjI can tell when she's expecting company because suddenly the toilet paper rolls have to go on the dispenser. As if we're French royalty.

hotdogsladiesI'll be honest; without the stock art of a guy on a cliff pumping his fist at sunrise, a lot of self-help lists might seem like bullshit.

FartSandwichHaving two cell phones means you're obviously twice as awesome as everyone else. That means Carrot Top has four. Twenty creepy phones too.

isplotchyUppathestairs yields no Google results! Did I make up a word that hasn't been made up yet? Checking Urban Dictionary for fisting synonyms..

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