Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
CourtneyReimer I like being asked "Lady, can you spare a dime?" It's a sign I'm pulling off the "I have dimes to spare" charade. And the "lady" one, too.
therealcherilyn not sure what bit my neck but it left a big bump. some guy just asked if he could suck on my neck nipple.
trixieboots I don't know your name, large sir, but I feel pretty sure that apple fritter and venti caramel frappuccino aren't calling it.
FriedWords When creating a sex robot from spare parts, be careful where you place the toaster.
JeffKlinger You were just a boy when you met me. I turned you into a WOMAN.
Aimee_B_Loved Moral of the story: Never trust price-reduced gas station breakfast sandwiches.
xrayedman Pretty smart of Apple to call tech support *genius bar* u assume they are smart. I will now refer to my pants as The Anaconda exhibit.
therealcherilyn i'm watching flashdance. on the oxygen channel. i've hit rock-bottom.
steveagee The Road Warrior makes me want to go fuck people up with my truck...and get a mohawk...and a crossbow.
TheMaskedBandit Sleeping in an art gallery tonight. My guess is 85% chance of a panting theft while we're here. I feel like Encyclopedia Brown.
MrAlexAdams Sometimes I get the feeling a bug's life is a little less attractive than pixar has led me to believe.
usedwigs Never OH: "I wish that Bradley Cooper was in more movies."
wood Sometimes, deep in the night, a man finds himself haunted by the memory of what he did for that Klondike bar.
nerdist Diarrhea is the jazz of poop
Jim_Hamilton You can weigh your poops by standing on the scale before and after going to the bathroom. The other way is kinda gross.
knitterplease Fucking cat keeps trying to eat my lasagne. I guess it's time for the talk about bad comic strip cliches.
therealcherilyn planet earth asks *why are moose dangerous even from a car?* well, helloooo?! a driving moose? that reeks of danger.
GodAwfulBastard From "crooked CIA agent" to "crooked FBI agent", Jon Voight brings unparalleled diversity to American cinema.
Jim_Hamilton NEEDED: One weird-faced blonde for a confidence scheme I have dubbed "The Fleece Witherspoon."
muchty I just broke a set of nail clippers on my big toe. This is how cool Superman feels EVERY DAY.
mrdavehill Battling to turn the Smirhs up loud enough on my iPod to drown out Sting on the gym PA. It's like some weird moral play.
Caissie My kids are eating canned foods out of the cans at the beach. "Like hobos!" they cheered.
westoflondon Wife hit me for trying to have sex with her on the kitchen table. Apparently I should have "waited for our guests to finish their desserts".
sportsguy33 Just nailed 1st W in my 3-player US Open parlay: Oudin/Isner/Federer. (Waiting.) How dare you say I have a gambling problem!
hotdogsladies I guess SOME 2-yr-olds would rather make eyeballs out of Play Doh than shoot a video for your acoustic cover of Def Leppard's "Photograph."
RexHuppke I await tonight's Peanut's special, in which Charlie Brown seeks the true meaning of Labor Day and is enslaved in a Taiwanese sweat shop.
morgan_murphy Danny Aiello III was the 2nd unit director on the Sex and the City movie. I wonder if he's the Danny Aiello of 2nd unit directors.
TerryBain Camp coffee recipe: 1gal Flathead lake water 1c pine needles 2c trailhead soil Deer scat (to taste) Mix, mash, boil. Enjoy!
hotdogsladies New teen neighbor enjoys listening to something that sounds like rap music combined with bulldozers arguing about rap music. Very catchy.
mrdavehill Am just realizing my apartment looks like it belongs to a teenage boy, a posh old lady, a serial killer, or some combination of all three.
kolchak This is poorly lit and the camera work is horrible. I guess some snuff films aren't up to snuff.
artichoked David Caruso in old-man boxers first thing in the morning. Well played, HBO.
xrayedman How would men of today fare in cave man times. How would we hunt and get food? I for one, would pay Mexican cave men to do it for me.
RexHuppke If I was a TV show sidekick, my catchphrase would be, "Ain't that the chicken lickin' truth." The show would be short lived, but classic.
PFTompkins My fiancee is starting her day the way I'm sure a lot of women are: watching last night's Manson documentary from the History Channel.
sortaconfused I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon. #fb
Morganmiller17 sausage, egg, and cheese should be illegal... because i threw it in the trash, i missed, hit a homeless man, and he died.
davio1962 I really underestimated how diificult it is to get back into the routine of work. Lesson for tomorrow: deodorant first, then shirt.
Caissie Well, if my kids don't come home from school as newly-minted Communists, I for one, am going to be PISSED!
GooseHonk I'm really glad Twitter was invented. I always wanted to be a stand-up comic but I was constantly held back by my hatred for people's faces.
davio1962 How frustrating is my new colleague to work with? Let me put it this way: I'd rather try to fold air.
unsupervised Due to a miscommunication, my knuckle tattoos read "LOVE" & "HATS"
calindrome The dozen-ish mosquito bites on my feet feel like Braille. Really itchy Braille.
JephKelley I want a friend like Zack Morris, who can freeze time and explain to me what the hell is happening in life. He'd also have a big cell phone.
artichoked Today I'm seeing my parents and the dentist. I'm dying for an 80s-style switcheroo, even if I have to be Judge Reinhold for the day.
Caissie # of times train had no a/c during heatwave? >5. # of degrees it is on the train today? <68.>
kolchak I'd probably like these Obama speeches a lot more if they were in interpretive dance. And I was Keith Olbermann.
Rayke Exactly 10 years ago, I bought a Sega Dreamcast. Today, I'm buying Beatles Rock Band. Hopefully, 10 years from now, I'll buy a life.
WadetoBlack Was just told a co-worker is bringing her infant in shortly. Time for me to exit stage left. Or right. Whichever way the baby isn't coming.
isplotchy C'mon, everyone! Let's do the Electric Slide! Don't be shy! Let's go! It's fun! Dance it up! Go! I said COME ON YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!
Jim_Hamilton There's a lot more song potential for "9 to 5" than "9 to 5:30 with a half-hour unpaid lunch."
morgan_murphy Just noticed the bruises all over my legs from moving. I look like I'm in an abusive relationship with a midget.
RexHuppke I wonder if, in his formative years, before he found fame and fortune, Sir Mix-A-Lot ever experimented with small butts.
yokoono Each one of us are affecting the world not just on land, but in the water too! Let's not create a tsunami with our anger and fear, shall we?
Caissie Dear Motion-Sensitive Faucet: You're not the only one who's sensitive. When you refuse to acknowledge my existence, it hurts my feelings.
unsupervised Told Joe Wilson we're going to the playground but we're really going to the dentist. Not looking forward to his reaction.
kolchak The first rule of sex with Sarah Jessica Parker is to NEVER ADMIT that you've had sex with Sarah Jessica Parker.
ScottAukerman Pies are cut into 5 slices, and pizzas are cut into 6. Why? Because pies are for families. And pizzas are for ORGIES!
serafinowicz When a lemon is feeling randy, it looks like a banana
adamisacson Dora the Explorer is full of crap. In real life, "Mugger, no mugging!" will be the last thing you'll ever say.
diplo Babies, get in line, Let me see your bestest wine x2 Move every part of your spine. Come and give me some of yours lemme give u some of mine
trixieboots Fall treats have returned to Starbucks! I'm licking the frosting off this pumpkin scone like an Indian scalping a pilgrim.