The Best Tweets of the week 8/28 - 9/4

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

• I skew toward the amusing
• I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
• @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
• I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
• Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...



kolchak I woke up to a cat staring at me. Which is better than waking up to the cat closing all the windows and turning on the gas stove.

therealcherilyn having sex while lying on bubblewrap is a good way to hide the sounds of your farts.

kolchak I'd be a much better waitress if I had boobs. And didn't have hooks for hands.

sherriva Fun things to say to a cop: Do you know how fast YOU were going? No i haven't had any alcohol. See my bong? Duh Why don't you make me.

jwiltshire Feel like a White Russian. But I don't have any cream, just strawberry milk. I wonder...

Jim_Hamilton There's no I in dscovered.

rainnwilson If you call a psychic and the phone rings before they answer it, hang up because they're not really psychic.

goldengateblond In the South, saying "bless her heart" after trashtalk negates bad karma. Ex: "She's a slut and a whore. Bless her heart." #southernmanners

trixieboots I dreamt I was Queen Elizabeth I and woke up craving Pop Tarts. That pretty well sums up the contents of my unconscious.

adamisacson Watching Kennedy funeral with 5-year-old. Being interrogated about death, the military, and Christianity. Putting on "SpongeBob."

Jessabelle2o7 Just noticed that there's no Twizzlers or rope in my storm emergency kit. But I won't need rope if I get the Twizzlers. Glad that's decided.

warrenellis Oasis split up. Not sure who gets custody of their single eyebrow.

davio1962 I think the saddest point in the party is when you inform everybody that your real birthday is not for another couple of months.

knitterplease Me: "Would you say my hair is clown-red or whore-red?" Husb': "Why can't you ask normal questions?"

trixieboots Huge tomato harvest from the back yard today. Also Great Dane poo, but that doesn't pair as well with mozarella.

DaveHolmes Unwinding from a 14-miler with a nonalcoholic Mojito at Sharkeez. It's difficult to isolate the most insufferable part of that sentence.

biloon Driving through small towns in Maine. Looks like where one goes directly after they murder somebody. I'm just saying.

Jim_Hamilton I put my pants on just like you: one leg at a time and rarely on weekends.

CranberryPerson Just two dudes relaxing in their jammies, playing Lego Star Wars and eating apple jacks. Despite appearances, only one of us is six.

kolchak Maybe if the pizza hut executives got laid once in a while they'd stop trying to "stuff" all my food.

ScottAukerman in pet store: Man asks when the next tooth-cleaning session is. "Sept. 11," Owner replies. "Eh, I don't think I can remember that." Already?

kolchak "We're gonna need a bigger bottle of Purell."- Roy Scheider in a McDonald's bathroom.

kolchak Fuck goblins. #trollgraffiti

WadetoBlack The Daytime Emmys are on. I hope I win this year in the Best Time Waster at Work category. But it's an honor just to be nominated.

michaelianblack Observation: side boob is sexy. Side cock not so much.

diplo Oh shit!!!! Carnival goin off.. Skream in tha building lookin like he's ready for di golf tourney!!! FRESH!!! CLEAN!!!

morgan_murphy I went to finishing school. Turns out that's not a place where they teach you how to finish shit. Now I just curtsy while I procrastinate.

Jim_Hamilton All the German I know is from Falco music and Hitler speeches. I should maybe fill in the gaps before visiting Austria.

michaelianblack Spanish lesson: "Paella" means "I don't know what I'm eating with this rice."

nottjmiller I checked the microphone. 1,2...1,2. It turns out, this is how we do it, so unfortunately you will have to throw your hands in the air.

davio1962 It wasn't the strip search that I found so offensive. It was their newly-issued Sandpaper Gloves that rubbed me the wrong way.

FriedWords Sorry, I guess hiding that Tickle Me Elmo doll in your grandmother's casket didn't lighten the mood as much as I thought it would.

hotdogsladies Great. Now I'm Creepy Guy Who Listens to Bach in a Cafe with his Eyes Closed. Care to see some sketches of the Duomo? In my van? Ladies?

sportsguy33 Questions for D. Kahn's press conference: "On the bright side, it must have been nice to visit Spain a few times, right?"

blaine23 Wife's eating two year old Nutella from the back of the pantry. A spirit guide should show up soon to ease her through the vision realm.

Aimee_B_Loved One day, I hope to be as happy with my job as Flo is selling Progressive Insurance.

therealcherilyn i'm guessing lindsay lohan to be the next celebrity death. the fact that she is tied up in my basement & already dead means nothing.

WadetoBlack Fruit Loops now advertises a high fiber version of its cereal. Maybe they should drop the "Follow My Nose" slogan on this one.

davio1962 My wife jokes that I have monkey toes. She felt free to make light of them after I finally disposed of the rest of the body.

Caissie 18 Kids & Counting family now expecting 1st grandchild THEN 19th child! Hope this season they add evil rich woman crazy to make a baby coat.

adamisacson Guys, I just sent a fax. Have you tried this? I sent a Word document all the way across the city _in seconds_. This is a game-changer.

cellebelle look, Virgin America. it's early & I'm tired. is playing Creed really the best way you can thank me for flying?

CourtneyReimer Things I love: September. Things I don't love: Earth, Wind & Fire's "September" ad nauseum. Cutesy broadcast media people, you're on notice.

cellebelle our flight attendant is sporting a hickey & my neighbor's carryon is a dustpan. why you so classy, Virgin America?

JephKelley Dr. Octopus doesn't care if you eat an apple a day, he'll still kill you. And he's like a sciencey doctor so the apple saying doesn't apply.

debihope I wish I could have met the actual General Tso and thanked him for his tasty chicken. And gotten tips on how to succeed in battle and stuff.

slag_mag I knew this day would come, but still not prepared: every band I see now gets a "what the hell is this crap" from me. I'm Andy Rooney.

DougBeatty I'm guessing ties were invented during a time when the grandest insult was a man flashing his shirt buttons at you.

hotdogsladies Man, I could listen to people argue about software all day. At least until I chewed through the duct tape and started running, SCREAMING.

FriedWords My wife still hasn't noticed that I used her toothbrush yesterday. I hope she notices how sparkling the dog's teeth & nails are.

Rayke Hey there, Hot Lady At Bookstore. Let's pretend you didn't just see me staring at your boobs from the Graphic Novel section, & explore this.

JephKelley Opened the special bottle of wine that we've been saving because having only one bottle of wine left is a very special occasion.

CranberryPerson Forgetting my wallet- that's my problem. Forgetting my deodorant- that's the world's problem.

debenham Me: I should stop swearing. It's not classy. @Caissie: Swearing doesn't = unclassy. Using the word "classy," on the other hand...

blaine23 Dividing my Facebook friends into easy to manage lists. So far I've only got one guy under "Dead Hooker Cleanup Team."

kolchak Professor is a total babe and I'd do her. I think I'm getting the hang of this whole "women's studies" thing.

davio1962 Plumber is here to install a tankless water heater. We'll appreciate the energy savings but miss hanging the damp clothes on the turrent.

WadetoBlack Imagine how bad Hell must be if bats even want to get out of there as fast as they can.

nerdist Larry King frightens me. I keep expecting him to say, "We're gonna go to a quick commercial while I scare these crows off the corn."

slag_mag It's difficult in this recession, but I somehow still manage to live the vida loca.

JephKelley Way back when they came up with that weird saying, cats must have worn pajamas and those pajamas must have been so totally super duper.

wood Too drunk to tweet. Next challenge: can I make it to bed or will I sleep on the patio table?

Aimee_B_Loved Roommate's dog is getting a big bowl of Purina Shut-the-Hell-Up. It's made from the bones of other dogs who bark at 6:30 in the morning.

davio1962 I bet my parting joke, "Well, gotta get back to the Mothership!" really wowed the panel at my Competency Hearing.

debenham I'm still disturbed by the sight of Zombie Billy Mays on my TV. If I were an infomercial cameraman, I'd throw down some rice & run.

RexHuppke "Yeah, John, you can't just say 'Ain't that America?' to everything." Talking politics with Mellencamp is fucking torturous.

JephKelley Baby mix-ups at kangaroo hospitals must be fairly common since every newborn is named Joey.

ScottAukerman Shakespeare was so lazy; shortening his words. "Tis." "Ne'er." "Oft." "E'er." All just to fit into your precious iambic pentameter, Billy!

Tony_D Is it pronounced "BOO-bonic" or "BYOO-bonic"? I'm trying to settle an argument for the two guys in hazmat suits hovering over me.

cellebelle my friend has Cupertino, CA saved on his iphone weather app. that's like keeping Tom as your friend on myspace.

CleverUserName The More You Know: The G.I. Bill is not, in fact, G.I. Joe's friend. ::swooshing star::

andychef Bleu cheese sandwiches. The worst thing I have ever eaten three of for dinner.

michaelianblack Word I just invented for a huge orgy: pornado.

JeffKlinger making a film called 'Super Child Me' where I eat like a 6year old for a month and I go to the zoo a lot.

xrayedman This whole term "dead weight" can be made moot by one word--dismemberment.

SklarBrothers The fact that Uncle Cracker has been on the scene for years now and no female artist as dared to call herself Aunt Honkey is a damn shame

Meg_in_3D Oh goody, college football has started back up and Brian has officially taken his position as 'futon quarterback'. I'm closing the door. ;)

RexHuppke "Screw you, Don. It's called 'fantasy' football, and if I wanna draft a cheetah I'll draft a fucking cheetah. They're fast as hell."

slapclap Upon reflection I did nothing this summer. But that's all about to chaaaaaange. Right drug habit?

JephKelley Alanis initially wrote that her other hand was "making a big pie," then realized that takes both hands. Was changed to "giving a high five."

Jim_Hamilton I wouldn't say I'm fat, but I would describe the stripes on my clothes as "once-parallel."

davio1962 My wife ran out in just her T-shirt & undies to chase the birds out of our fig tree. Census Update: Birds: -6 Creepy male neighbors: +3

xrayedman Another reason to follow the Jonas brothers is the courage they showed when they were in that whale's belly for 3 days.

Dolanite Cat is always smelling my breath. I only ate the cat food that ONE TIME.

xrayedmanA famous dude once said. " Those who forget the lessons of history are doomed to fail history class"