Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
Rayke One of my coworkers looks a lot like Courtney Love. Especially when she takes her shirt off and starts doing blow off of children's books.
baileygenine "WHAT? SORRY CANT HEAR YOU OVER THE XANADU. CALL BACK LATER!" Is how a phone call would go right now if anyone ever called me. :(
dpressman (raises a glass) Bravo, Tyler Perry, you've done it again! (downs drink, removes pants and jumps out window)
summersumz My boyfriend has a "condition" that requires him to pack duct tape in his overnight bag. As an avid Dexter fan, this is a bit disturbing.
WadetoBlack If Lou Bega doesn't hurry up, no one is going to give a shit when Mambo No. 6 comes out.
kolchak Apparently OnStar doesn't appreciate you asking them to patch you through to a phone sex line. But it WAS an emergency.
pdoubleg Finally saw "Let the Right One In". It's probably my fourth or fifth favorite Swedish vampire film.
srslainey If I invented sleeping bags, I would have named them something cuter. Like maybe sleepytime burritos.
trixieboots Then Gordon Gecko said to Bud Fox, "I gave you your manhood!" And I thought to myself, "Damn, I must have missed that part of the movie."
Dianneamus Nothing says "I'd buy ice if I were an Eskimo" more than buying an appliance that only cooks boiled eggs.
kdhopwood "9AM swim" khop has a fierce hate on for "stayin' out till last call" khop. good thing "sit on my ass for rest of day" khop is now involved
sloganeerist The founder of The Weather Channel passed away. That funeral's gonna have some pretty awkward small talk.
VaginaDrum Neighbor is outside my window watering her plants. She's totally making me feel weird about sitting in my underwear and watching her. Bitch.
Aimee_B_Loved Let's be honest here. Ringo couldn't get a perfect score on Beatles Rock Band.
Petherwin I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests and I don’t want to go out with a weirdo.
Dianneamus Aside from the part where I wanted to gouge my eye out with a straw and pour acid into my empty eye socket, Sorority Row wasn't half bad.
AndeeD Dan Brown's new book is coming out next week. Do we want to be disappointed on our Kindle or in a hardback?
kolchak If I were a parent I'd be a tad concerned about the amount of time Tony the tiger spends with my child. Alone. With hockey sticks.
davio1962 Excuse me, Mr. Inner-City hoodlum, but I bought you some suspenders to keep your pants up. Here, let me fasten them for y
xrayedman Remember that old saying 'What doesn't kill you will probably seriously injure you and make you a cripple.'
JephKelley Heading into the hot tub with my girlfriend and her sister. File the next few moments under "Making This Happen."
goldengateblond Last night at the VMAs, Lady Gaga thanked "God and the gays." Which I've decided will be the name of my new emo punkrock band.
CranberryPerson Dammit, 8:25 AM and already hungry. Guess I should have brought a bigger lunch.
blaine23 Woke up with Monday spooning me. His breath smells like fresh PowerPoint presentations and sadness.
FriedWords If a 3 yr old has diarrhoea, don't try to cheer him up by telling him he's 'so sweet he's leaking chocolate'. What happens next isn't funny.
davio1962 While I truly appreciate the Morticia Addams Award from the local gardening club, I am hoping some plants actually will survive next summer.
wood Shit fuck. I left my sunglasses at home. They're on my desk right next to my will to live. Dammit.
mmmeghan "Your taste preferences created this row: cerebral movies by Jean-Luc Godard." Even Netflix thinks I'm a piece of pretentious shit.
diplo feelin nandos in shephards bush vibez.. Its like a somalian youth center. The fountain machine broke n kids stealin the 1 liters . LOCK IN!
diplo i hid a beer in the bushes an hour ago for a fancy dinner.. and its still here!!!! LDN - TREATED!!
morgan_murphy You ever sit in a hotel room and just let the hotel's entertainment preview channel play on a loop? To me, that's how life feels.
hotdogsladies Yes. Watch the celebrity you suddenly loathe on the TV show you suddenly can't stand. That'll show 'em.
adamisacson It's hard to get going on Tuesday. Tuesday is Axel Foley's banana in Judge Reinhold's tailpipe. Tuesday is also a rotten day for metaphors.
debihope Today is the day I'm going to give it my SOME.
CourtneyReimer It's Election Day. I bet more people would stand up and take notice if that L was an R.
sherriva One bloody foot and you call the police? You garbage men have no sense of humor.
Caissie Poor Jessica Simpson puts up MISSING signs after a Coyote takes her dog. She think he's coming back after helping Coyote catch Roadrunner?
WadetoBlack SAG will honor Betty White with a Life Achievement Award on Jan. 23, 2010. The way this year's going, I think we should move that up a bit.
RexHuppke I put the dude in "Dude, you've got a big mustard stain on your shirt."
kolchak Microsoft plans on introducing a "visual search" engine, which should pretty much be referred to as "BOOBS N STUFF" from here on out.
blondediva11 Is "close encounters of the third kind" code for a menage a trois?
slag_mag Just finished my prize for the next Kanye West tweet I see: it's an auto-tuned recording of a dead horse being beaten.
serafinowicz The first time I saw an avocado was on the poster for Alien.
adamisacson You down with ADHD? Yeah, you know-- Look, a fire truck!
xrayedman Watching a special on the Rainforests sitting here in my Brazilian Walnut recliner eating a Poison Dart Frog sandwich.
drew42e Toddlers are attracted to a broken glass like hot college chicks to a douchebag wearing Axe body spray
hotdogsladies If I had a bucket list and it included "accidentally watch 18 harrowing seconds of 'The Biggest Loser,'" these would be tears of pure joy.
jorshuwah French couple in front of me is being affectionate. I don't want to be culturally inappropriate or engage in stereotypes but ménage à trois?
adamisacson "In my kindergarten, red means quiet, yellow means whisper, and green means inside voice." Holy crap. Tom Ridge is teaching my kid.
davio1962 Kid 1: He hit me! Kid 2: Did not--he hit me first! Me: Aha! You said, "FIRST"! I should be interrogating terrorists.
RexHuppke When you wake up craving unicorn meat, the day is destined to be one of boundless disappointments.
GooseHonk Helping a friend move for $40 doesn't make you a professional mover. But give one $10 BJ in the back of Denny's & *BAM* you're a prostitute.
diplo how drunk should I get in the airline lounge? - a) drink water.. b) get really drunk... c) pass out and miss flight?
PFTompkins Haha! Still settling into new home! Been to Target so much this week, I should change my name to Paul F I AM SICK OF GOING TO TARGET.
blaine23 A serpent? Why would you want me to- oh, assertive. Yeah, I guess I could. If it's not a problem. Or I could be a serpent. Whatever you say.
Jim_Hamilton Instead of those annoying sirens, what do you think about fire trucks blasting "Here Comes The Hotstepper"?
LarryCarroll Standing behind Bai Ling at a Starbucks. If they put a sleeve on her drink, it'll be wearing more clothes than her.
FriedWords Green means 'go'... except when it comes to swimming pools or vaginas.
manicsocratic Why is there no cookie cutter shaped like Wilford Brimley?
TheMaskedBandit If I could ask God one question it would probably have to do with his blue ribbon chili recipe from the '98 Des Moines ChiliFest.
yokoono Imagine a dolphin dancing in the sky. Let it dance with joy. Think of yourself at the bottom of the ocean watching.
Jim_Hamilton This receptionist just winked at me, not in a flirtatious manner but in a "I can tell you drank a million beers last night" manner.
TheMaskedBandit About 40% of my work day is spent hiding in the bathroom, reading. The rest is divided up between pretending not to sleep and jellybeans
xrayedman I have the football game on. Wife asks if there is a good movie on. I say how would I know, I'm watching football. It's good to communicate
muchty It was his first sex party and everyone laughed when he put his khakis in the bowl. I hate Boston, he thought.
WadetoBlack Way too much comedy on Thursday TV. If I wanted to exercise my diaphragm this much, I'd become a girl & I have no idea where this is going.