When I win my Oscar...

We all have dreams. They're what make us continue this meaningless existence, instead of offing ourselves in hopes of receiving those 77 virgins.

One of my dream has always been to win an Oscar. Most likely for writing/directing/producing and not acting, since well, sure Marissa Tomei won an Oscar so there's a chance, but seriously, I think since then, they've gone back to giving the award to people that give good performances. So that avenue has pretty much been closed.

Regardless, in case it happens very suddenly (I'm not 100% sure how it works - is it like a lottery?) I've made sure I'm ready with an acceptance speech. And I've included it here, on the flip side...

Excuse the eye patch. It's a long story.

I have a couple thank yous that I would like to just get out of the way right at the start here, so if I may get right into it...

I'd like to thank my parents - if dad hadn't thought Saran Wrap would be a good enough condom, well, I probably wouldn't be here right now.

I'd like to thank my second grade teacher for having such a fantastic rack. Seeing those boobs everyday gave me the chutzpah and erection I needed to make it through this shark infested industry - even more than when my uncle and I would play "Hooker and the angry John," when he used to come over during his furloughs. Thanks Dukakis!

I'd like to thank my college film professor, for refusing to cooperate with the police after viewing my senior snuff film project. And they said circumstantial evidence was enough to convict!

I’d like to thank my college roommate as well for giving me a helping hand with that problem I had that one night. And to think, you said there was no reason to carry a shovel in the trunk!

In closing I'd just like to say it's amazing to me that with this award, I am one step closer to realizing my life long dream of filming myself bang a porn star. Hell... last night, right before she stole my wallet and her pimp beat me up, I actually thought I had accomplished that dream. Oh well, at least I've explained the eye patch.

Again thanks to everyone, and we're in room 206 over at the Ramada if any of you lovely ladies want to stop by and put the "ouch" back in "casting couch."

Rowwr!